Well

: 'I Get Knocked Down' by Chumbawamba (Irony, that)
: Post-breakdown ebb

Not surprisingly, the answer to my request for a reinstatement of my hours was a no. I was given a circular argument that the volume of work was not expected to grow enough to warrant adding the hours. Mind you, when I was working my full load, I had plenty to do and still not enough time in the week to take care of everything, but specifically in response to my lay-off I resigned from various committees and other projects in order to focus on the core library services. Also, I'm the only person with any data on the 'before' and 'after' volumes for the department in terms of the reduction, and yet I'm told that the volumes are not sufficient.

But I did learn valuable information. Like that despite the impression I was given at the time of the layoff, it was a permanent reduction in force, with no chance for regaining hours. There are apparently no plans at this time to reduce the position further, but the administrator did agree that the position had eroded below that of a professional level librarian, although it was not supposedly a deliberate move. I was also able to clarify some issues concerning access to my employee file.

I realise that hospital management has to look at what's best for the organisation overall. But I still don't see how the small amount I was cut--small in their scale, large in mine--really helped the hospital. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect now that things are better and we are hiring more positions and getting a raise where none was budgeted to at least make the attempt to regain my hours.

I have to admit, I did break down after my meeting. I guess I'd put a lot of effort into just trying to 'get by' until I could get my hours back; even though I was looking for other jobs, I never let go of that hope. Remember, I liked my job until all this came about. (Fortunately, I was actually on vacation, rather than on the clock, so I felt more free to do so, and at least momentarily there was no one in the room). One of the secretaries had told me to check my desk, that someone had left an envelope on it. It had $20. I was very grateful, and I don't know who did it, but I just sat down and bawled. A couple of the secretaries came in to check and make sure I was okay, then my boss came in, and soon there was quite a crowd. One of the women who I've always gotten along well with basically took a tack that I suppos is meant to be comforting and logical, but just isn't. You know, thing like, 'Well, don't you understand the oeconomics of health care?' Yes. I do. I also understand the oeconomics of living on one-half an income instead of a two-income household. And although I have applied for secretarial, retail, and temp agency positions--although nothing has borne fruit yet--people treat me like I'm somehow selfish that I fully expect to be employed in my field. A friend of mine says it's essentially a sexist concept. A male doctor losing his job wouldn't be expected to start flipping burgers; but a woman is supposed to 'make do' at anything because her career isn't really all that important and no one understands all the technical and specialised expertise in the background that makes the library really work. I spent seven years trying to show them what a fully trained librarian could do for the mission of the hospital, but I'm not sure it was to any avail. Those in a position to make the decisions...who don't see the day to day running of the library...seem to think it's just all on the Internet out there for free. I think they're in for a rude awakening, especially given that most of our core journals will be available online only with hefty fees. The position (and pay) is such now that I think they'll be lucky to fill it with a library school student. I half expect them to add the duties to one of the secretaries, as it was originally structured that way before they aspired to hire a professional librarian.

I think I marketed the library well to everyone who used it, but maybe I could have done better with the administration. I firmly believe this would not have happened under a former supervisor who really went to bat for me regularly. Unfortunately things are now structured that I don't have enough clout to get through. But, dealing with the lay-off has been just as educational as dealing with the position's scope. :) Still, I have to admit I'm looking forward to working in a job where I'm employed by librarians and don't have to justify my very existence to people who speak an entirely different managerial language.

On a brighter note, I have a job interview on Friday!!! at the public library job I applied for the other day. They're going to call me back tomorrow with a time. And, since I took off for the move preparation, I'll be free to go. I'm excited about the position's description, about working in a library with other librarians, and about getting paid a living wage. Oh, please please please please please please please...may all my endeavours be crowned with success. I really do feel that things are coming together, and the despair I felt earlier today has given away to hope.

Also, I'm going over tomorrow at 10am to see some promising apartments (the ones near Dwana. The coupon isn't still in effect (and they thanked me for telling them it was still on a website) but it's still quite a bit cheaper than my present apartment, about a savings of $150 per month. And I talked to my mom and she's offered to help with any of the big stuff I might need to move (she has a truck) and will look and see if she can help me financially at all so that I start off on a good footing with the new place, wherever it may be.

Anyway, I think things are going better. I start packing tomorrow, since I couldn't get any boxes today.

Breathe, kid, breathe.