Happy Friday

: 'Road to Acco' by Sheldon Sands
: Introspective

I was looking forward to the Friday Five, but it's on hiatus. But, feeling deprived of end-of-the-week Q&A, and just a little disappointed--but not to the point of castigation--that I didn't really write much at all last month for NaNoWriMo, I've decided to come up with my own:

1. What is your first memory? The feel and smell of sand. I think I was in Vandenberg, California, so I would have been something like 1 1/2 or 2 years old.

2. What one smell can bring back memories like no other? There is this one earthy scent I can't place but it always takes me back to the pine woods and sea air of South Carolina, even though I occasionally smell it inland.

3.What is your strongest memory? Being told by my husband that he had never loved me, and the aftermath.

4. How good of a memory do you have? I have the memory of a goldfish. I used to be able to memorise facts well in school, but as life has become more complex, my memory has gone down the tubes; I often telescope different memories together. Also, for years I was in a state of dissociation, so I remember bits and pieces from my life only. Most of my childhood memories revolve around school or playing with friends; I have few memories of my home life, really, which is mostly a blur. The same goes for the most stressful times of my life. This is a source for frustration when I try to figure out why it became so important to forget; what memories I have I don't trust easily. It's also frustrating because my best friend's memory is eidetic, so I win very few points based on recollection.

5. How do you want to/think you will be remembered? I hope people remember me as a loyal, resilient person who tried to follow a path of truth. I'm afraid some of the people who knew me in my 20s will rather remember me as pathetic. I think I've largely grown beyond the passive, clingy person I once was. Dwana always says she can't imagine me being like that, but I really, really was. I'm proof that some people can make fundamental changes to the psyche, although it was very difficult and required a lot of support (and therapy). I'm glad she can't see the dysfunctional person I was, since she never knew me then. It means that I'm successful in a way people seldom realise matters. I hope that I'm remembered as someone who fought to bring herself up from a shadowed half-life to truly living.

Woman gets 10 years for drive-through rage

And this is why I am SO glad I'm out of food service. It's kind of disturbing that you could almost be killed just because someone didn't get mayonnaise on a cheeseburger, you know?

More on the Dru Sjodin case...

If you are in the North Dakota/Minnesota area and would like to print posters or need other resources to help find the missing co-ed who was kidnapped from a local mall, check out Find Dru.com - Help us find Dru Sjodin!.

Although an arrest has been made in the case linking a convicted sexual predator to the abduction, Dru Sjodin has not yet been found. Many individuals and businesses are volunteering their resources to help find the college student who has now been missing for twelve days.

I hope they find her soon, and that she will be found safe and sound, and that her family and friends can share the holiday season with her. She seems so 'girl-next-door' in the pictures...it reminds me that although we should not live in fear, this could happen to any one of us. I just wish she knew how many people were looking for her. She's certainly in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sure others around the world who have seen her story also share in that concern.

Hmmm...twisted.

I just watched part of an interesting play, called '8 Women'. It's a murder mystery (French with English subtitles) set in the late 1950s in a large house during preparations for Christmas. Eight women are trapped there during a snowstorm when the father is murdered and and everyone has to try to figure out who the culprit is. The widow, her daughter, her sister and mother, his sister, and the domestics all have secrets ranging from lesbian relationships, infidelity, incest, unwed pregnancy, virginity, poisoning--you name it, it unfolds. Each woman has her own song scene as well. I want to see it again from the beginning; fortunately it comes on again next week. I highly recommend it. It's almost...almost as twisted as Amélie.

This link is dedicated to Dwana

...who has peed on more of these things than most women will in a lifetime. :)

The Thin Blue Line: The History of the Home Pregnancy Kit

Heaven Help Me

Today a co-worker complimented me on my appearance and confided that she figured I looked like I was happy with myself and that I 'must be getting some'. Nope, thank you, I can feel good about myself without external validation. But I did realise that the idea of being with someone intrigues me these days, rather than the petrifying fear I used to have. When you have social phobia, dating can be a real problem. Fortunately, that's eased a great deal. I'm still shy but not mortified, and I suspect most people who haven't been around me for a long time have no idea how scared I used to be in groups of people, because I come off much more at ease these days. And so...

I just completed the exhaustive (and exhausting!) profile for eHarmony.com to (hopefully) find someone I might be compatible with. Since I chose whole world and any race (the only must was non-smoker), you would think it wouldn't be too hard, right? Well, I'm apparently somewhat unique (although that's probably due to my Paganism--I'm sure for a lot of other religions people are going to want to stay in the faith, whereas I don't have trouble with most religious beliefs so long as they're tolerant of mine). Gee, I even checked Mennonite. (But passed on Scientologists and Mormons, no offence.) I figure Friday is the twelfth anniversary of my leaving my psycho first relationship (and thereby making the most difficult and best decision in my life). With the exception of a brief few dates, I've pretty much been alone since then; certainly there's been nothing in the way of a relationship. I needed that time, I think, to mature emotionally. I finally feel like I can trust again and risk all the 'what ifs' if the chance for a loving relationship comes along. For the first time in my life I have several friendships where we're on equal footing with one another; I feel the same with my family relationships. I think that was a start. Am I ready to take the plunge into modern coupling? Who knows? But I'm willing to at least tie the bungee cord on. :)

Oh, good grief!

Louisiana boy punished for using the word 'gay' in school. He was explaining why he has two mommies. Really, people. You've traumatised a 7-year-old (who was made to write that he would not use the word gay in school over and over) by telling him it was a bad word. They treated him like he'd been swearing or subverting the student body when he was just stating a fact.

Having grown up in Louisiana, albeit a hopefully more enlightened school system (Bossier Parish--which did try to make left-handers right-handers but otherwise I got a decent education), I'm appalled. Kudos to the ACLU for stepping in. Grrrr...

Remembering World AIDS Day

It's been almost fifteen years since I first took an HIV test. Back then, anonymous testing through the health department was still new. Going to any other place meant you risked someone shouting out something akin to 'do we do the test for AIDS' in a crowd, as happened once to my ex, who had many casual sexual encounters with men during our relationship. Eventually the AIDS testing area got it's own little trailer out back, away from the rest of the building, so people could traipse in unseen. But at that time it was terribly misunderstood.

At that point word was spreading through the gay community about this new, horrific, disease, but here in the heartland it was still pretty new. Rock Hudson's death had begun to bring it into mainstream consciousness, but most people still believed it couldn't 'touch them'. It took Ryan White and Magic Johnson, amongst others, to teach people that it wasn't just a 'gay disease'.

Much of today's fight against AIDS, at least in this country, has as its foundation the courage of those who fought for recognition and against the stereotypes. Many people persisted in the belief that God was somehow punishing homosexuals, drug users, and other reprobates. Over time, though, people have started to realise that anyone is exposed to infected body fluids--no matter in what manner, is at risk for contracting HIV. Unfortunately HIV requires constant vigilance. Some people have relaxed with new drug therapies that prolong life--despite the fact that those drug therapies are very difficult to follow correctly and, like any virus, HIV will no doubt become resistant. There are few places now that are untouched by the virus completely, and many places--especially in Africa and Asia, where it is reaching devastating scope. A lot of the attitudes that are fanning it now were the same that helped it spread back then. The lack of health care, the expense of the drugs, superstitions, and the many variables within the virus itself make it an incredibly difficult enemy to fight. But finally the world is seeing it as a global problem that requires united effort. Even if no other person contracted the disease, starting today, we would be living with the effects for generations to come.

I truly believe that I escaped my relationship without contracting HIV (or any other STD) purely by the grace of the Gods. I sometimes tell people that it's okay that I'm not a particularly lucky person--if I used up all my luck on that one thing, that's fine with me. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I could have easily paid for my mistakes with my life. So, yes, every year, I remember and honour those who live with the disease daily and those who have passed. But putting aside one day of remembrance isn't enough.

If you've had any exposure to body fluids--no matter how unlikely--get tested. We'd like to think our partners were monogamous, or that some practices are 'safe'. Don't bet your life on it. Don't give blood to find out. Go to your local health department. They can provide both the test and counsel you in ways to protect yourself or deal with a positive result. Take precautions. If you're having sex, use protection. It's not 100%, but it can cut your chances of contracting if you use a condom--so long as it isn't lambskin--or dental dam. If you're latex allergic, like I am, there are alternatives. If you're using needles, don't share them. [And no, I'm not a health professional, so don't take this as medical advice; check with your doctor for that...I'm just talking common sense.] Teach your kids about AIDS. Wear a red ribbon for awareness. Help out with your local 'meals on wheels'. Hug someone with HIV. Give to the effort to fight AIDS overseas and at home. Whatever little amount you can do--if we can all do a little, it adds up to a lot. It's the only way to vanquish AIDS.

Looking for a gift for a medical librarian?

Check out the NLM Giftshop. I particularly like the coasters, given my background in mediaeval studies, but others may prefer the botanical gifts or electronic gizmos. Anyway, it's a little different place to look. Another great place to look is the ALA Store. Or you can try Overdue Media (which is related to the comic strip syndicated here).

Just a thought. We squirrelly librarians are hard to shop for; sure, a book is great, but how to know we haven't read it yet?--(although checking out the Amazon wish list of the person is always a possibility).

Well, I'm dead on in terms of the hair

An online dating service is giving interesting statistics on what people want in a mate.