It's a gloomy Monday

As we get loads of rain in anticipation of Katrina, whose remnants will hit Kentucky sometime late Tuesday/early Wednesday. We're aready expecting one to seven inches of rain, and of course flash flooding is a particular danger in Kentucky with its many waterways and valleys.

Here in Lexington it's been quite grey and dark both yesterday and today, with at times heavy rain but overall cooler, with temps just above 80 degrees, so it's given some relief to what has been a fairly hot summer.

My mood is a bit gloomy and a little lonely as well. Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by the day-to-day aspects of your life that you wanted to just walk away? I get to do that to some degree over the next month, not in terms of giving up being responsible for my own life, but an experiment of sorts to explore the quality of a relationship and all the responsibilities (and benefits) it entails. I won't go into it here to any great degree, but for September I'm going to have a lot of time to myself, hopefully to get my head on straight as a consequence. Or I suppose I might just spiral down. I'm not sure. It could go either way, I suppose. I hope this month will bring with it some greater appreciation and understanding of things.

Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, then I go back into therapy starting the 14th. I'm hoping it will help, because I'm pissing people off without meaning to, and apparently I'm being just crazy enough to be annoying or frightening without really being aware of doing anything wrong, which isn't the greatest sign in the world. I usually have a little bit more insight than that. There seems to be something about this time of the year...four years ago I went into DBT because I was damaging friendships, and now, four years later, I'm not really sure I've gotten that much better. But I don't want to be a crazy person without friends, so I keep trying to get better. At least I'm not clinically depressed on top of things this time; I just have to deal with myself and my daemons.

I guess that's it for now. I know this post seems fractured, because I can't really candidly type it all out without violating a promise. And in typical blogger fashion, it seems all about me. It's not, not really, but it's all I can blog about at this point. I know things will probably get better, and that seventeen years won't just evaporate overnight. I just hope I haven't been eroding things to a breaking point. I'll know in a little over a month. You'll know from my mood how things have gone, no doubt. If you know me in real life, this might make sense, or may not. At this point I don't much care. What matters is I'll know what it means, and I can look back at this as a turning point for good or bad.

I just hope things work out for the best for all concerned.