I'm down

and tired. Tired of feeling like I'm taking three steps back for every one forward. Tired of not being able to take care of basic needs doing what I love. Tired of being alone and working without a net. Tired of a few seconds making more difference than a whole day. Tired of lots of things.

But, I have good friends who when I'm down cheer me up, who help when they can and when they can't still help anyway. I'm healthier than I've been in years. I just wish I were in a position that wasn't quite so precarious, that I could give rather than take, at least give something other than my time, which I have a fair amount of, or my love, which is surprisingly intact. I know that the latter is the more important than checking accounts and jobs and bills and rent and all those trappings of modern life that strangle us on a daily basis. But I have to live in a world where those trappings are necessary, and I feel like I'm going under.

I need a change, desperately. So much goes back to the fact that I'm no longer happy taking less than I should. So much of my stress comes from trying to fill in the gaps left by an eroded job that I'm barely holding on to and desperately want to quit. Every time I think that it gets better, something happens to push it all back up like so much bile. I've come to realise it's not my attitude; I've changed it to no avail. It's the situation, and it's not getting better.

I know things will improve, and there will probably be some risks on the way, something I've avoided, even done stupid things over and over to avoid in the past. But I wish it would happen sooner or later.

Thanks for listening. I know it's probably just good old-fashioned whinging, but if I didn't write this up, no matter how rambling or nonsensical it seems, I don't think I could keep my head up above the water much longer.