*does a little dance*, to quote Zabet

I have felt remarkably great all day. I think it's because I missed my bus last night and so I walked home (about 2 miles) on a beautiful night without, oddly enough, fearing for my life. I mean, there's reasonable caution and there's my sort of anxiety. The walk was great. I didn't feel the strain at all until I was nearly home, just got into a rhythm and stayed until I forced myself to cool down. No asthma attack. No pain. No achy muscles (until this morning, anyway, and then I realised why walking is supposed to be such great exercise. I mean, come on, my neck muscles even hurt. Who knew?)

Being a pedestrian most of my life, I've taken walking for granted. But I have to admit, my weight didn't really start ballooning until I started driving. All those short walks around campus must have actually had an effect.

Anyway, I came in last night, did some yoga stretches to help the muscles, and pretty much fell asleep. This morning I hurt everywhere but my head, but as soon as I started to walk to work I felt better. My colour's better, my mood's been great, and I seem...well...taller. I'm no towering sort--only 5'4 1/2", but a lot of women at work are a bit below me. Today, I guess my spine was straighter and they weren't in heels, because I felt positively winnowy (difficult to do at my weight, too).

As an added bonus, Xander got to save the world for a change. I hate to admit it, but the quiz I took awhile back was was right: no matter how much I identify with Willow, I'm absolutely a Xander. So, it was nice to see the most "ineffective" scoobie in action. Sheer stubborness and loyalty can get you places sometimes. :) Those two qualities certainly have kept me going for years. Other lesson I was glad to see incorporated into the script: knowledge wins over might. Have I mentioned lately that librarians rule? I do think I have convinced D, if he were not already, that my sense of humour is just gruesome. Last week (which I missed), the bad guy had his skin ripped off. I got to see the scene last night in the 'what has gone before...' section. Great effect. I might add, that flaying in actuality is a long, tedious, and incredibly awful thing (at least from what I've read of ancient accounts). That would be horrific. This--this was just a great effect. The same result, quickly, no violence, as neat as peeled grape, because it was supposed to be done by magic. Okay, maybe others don't get it. I sometimes cheer or laugh at special effects and no one else understands. It's not that I'd ever like to see the real process in action. But I have to admire the special effects whizzes who manage to do it on TV and movies.

I did discover, reading a magazine at lunch, that I share something (other than my size) in common with the Snapple lady, Wendy Kaufman. Apparently she's going to school and learning criminology because she's fascinated with forensics too. Her family doesn't understand her either, but they do just accept that she's into it, and that she'll do well at anything she puts her mind to.

Oh, and while I'm on a fat kick, I found a great website, The Hidden Goddess List. It discusses pertinent information for women of size without being pushy or particularly political. I'm one of those people who wants to be active and healthy, so sure, I'd like to be smaller (I'm about 270 lbs. and a size 24--don't let the picture on this page fool you, it's from awhile back). My insulin resistance and sleep apnea, for example, would be much better. On the other side, though, I'd rather be my size and never go through the torture some women put themselves, especially with yo-yo dieting, etc. That can put far more strain on your body than extra weight. I watched my mom struggle with her weight for years, sometimes looking dangerously thin, even though she's beautiful just the way she is. My friend Zabet has a picture of her at size 12 which just looks like a stranger, all skinny and bony, and yet at the time she thought she was fat, just like I did at the same age as a size 14. It's sad that it's our society who has the sick image of women, and yet the results are played out in so many hidden anxieties and to the tune of billions of dollars within the diet and medical industries.

Do you realise, for example, that when they do a gastric bypass operation, they make it so your stomach holds only about a quarter-sized amount of food--just a few ounces? That on top of the other side effects, you may have to eat constantly just to keep from malnutrition? I can see it as a last resort for people who are so large they may just die without it, but I can't imagine just deciding to do it because I didn't want to exercise or watch what I ate. There are no magic pills. Half of it seems to be attitude--when I feel good, I lose weight. When I don't, I gain. Then it becomes a vicious circle. How is torturing myself going to make me feel better?

Okay, I'll stop ranting now. Back to my day.

I came home this evening, read for a bit, and succumbed to the couch. This time I think I'm coming down from the endorphin high from all the walking yesterday and today, so I guess it's alright.

One bad piece of news: I did find out that I could keep my DSL without a voice line, but only if I put it on a credit card. :( I do not have a credit card (and frankly, don't want one, although you can't even rent a movie today without one, it seems). So, this will eventually go away. The good news is it looks like I'll have most of the pressing stuff and some of the older debts paid off by July. For once I know where all my money is (such that it is). It's a good feeling. And let me just add that while Zabet is not the accountant who shares her name here in Lexington, she's a damn fine finance manager, especially when it comes to firmly bullying the person who wants to blow the last $5 on drinks and snacks. I highly recommnend her. Although I suspect she would not be nearly so kind to a stranger who was paying her for the service. :)