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Thursday, November 06, 2003

I am determined to make today a good day

feeling: Weepy

Okay, it's dark an icky outside, so no sunshine to cheer me up. I felt so down this morning I asked Dwana for a depression scale to get an idea of how I was feeling in comparison with a few months ago. It probably jumped from about a 4 to a 28. Then I started thinking about how I'd been relatively okay during all the stress the last week and a half and looked at the calendar and I'm on day 19 of my menstrual cycle. Since I have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), it makes sense that the hormone flux would make me do a sudden nosedive. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time, though. So, the plan of attack is more clear--make sure I eat well, take my medicine, and get more rest.

So, my anxiety's gone down a bit. I didn't realise it, but I am very scared of becoming depressed again. I never want to feel suicidal again, even though I know that it's one of those things that tends to come and go over a lifetime. I've talked with a couple of friends about it and they were very supportive. If I do start feeling like I'm depressed for more than a few days at a time, I'll seek professional help again. For now, I guess I'll muddle through and see if things improve after my period.

There are times I hate hormones. They're powerful, and sometimes I think we as human beings are slaves to them, whether male of female...but I guess we couldn't do well without them. I have several co-workers going through menopause now and that's a whole other can of worms. :)

:( Can I just bitch (and even whine a little) for a few minutes? Warning, serious run-ons ahead...

listening to: 'Here Without You' by 3 Doors Down; 'So Far Away' by Staind
feeling: A little depressed

Ever feel like a hamster in a wheel, running and running but not going anywhere? That's how I felt today. Part of it is that no matter what I do, I seem to have some issue come up; it's like cooking on lots of burners at once. I used to go from crisis to crisis as a means of avoiding the real hurting in my life. I've been over that for awhile, but now I'm being thrown curveballs that generally are not of my making. I managed not to get evicted, now I have some fairly serious stuff coming up (court, actually, for some unpaid bills that are my fault--200 years ago I would have no doubt wound up in debtor's prison or been sent off to the colonies, wound up begging from my neighbours and then hanged as a witch) and I still haven't received my retirement money and I have to go down to the unemployment office to set the latest snafu straight (they couldn't do it over the phone for some inexplicable reason...I mean the original request was put in through the phone, right? And the error was the result of automated script cycling, so a real person over the phone should be okay. Sigh. Nevermind that since I haven't actually gotten paid at the new job yet but I've had to report my income as I've worked, I'm getting less from UI and haven't got anything to show for it. And I've pissed a boss off a bit because I thought Wednesdays would work out and they haven't, and it's been kind of difficult to figure out just when is good, and I guess I thought the schedule was more flexible than it really is, so I've had to reschedule often enough to cause frustration and have to stick with a more regular time frame to be in the office. It looks like Mondays are the way to go--but I can't get a ride over there, and the buses have been, well, less than reliable lately. I have court coming up on the 19th and if I do get to go to school next semester, Wednesdays will be the main class day. And I'm a little afraid of going back to school and not being able to cope, having fallen off the bike a couple of years ago and not being sure I can just hop back on, so to speak--even though logically I know that I'm extremely capable and am in a better position now than before I took off to take care of my health. This on top of going back home to get some laundry, etc. done on the game day earlier this week when it looked like we couldn't get together, only to find out we could have played after all, thereby being a party pooper. And with the rain and ick outside I overslept and was late for work today (although at least that's offset by working later yesterday). And I have to go to a mandatory fire extinguisher inservice that is only offered during my shift on the aforementioned 19th, so I'll have to come in at some other time I'm not usually supposed to be there so that I can have hands-on experience pulling a pin and sweeping.

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

How is it that I'm working less, for less money, and yet I seem busier? I haven't managed to go to the gym in awhile. I've got a prescription for stuff to help my stomach but I haven't been able to fill it yet because the UI cheque was short, and I'm beginning to wonder if any of it's worth it. I'm starting to feel like one big ball of stress and I don't want to be like that, because then I get to a point where simple stuff that normally comes quite naturally becomes a really big effort. I don't want to let people down but I don't want to the point I'm running and running and not being able to take care of myself.

Good things: I have food in the house. I at least have a job (two, actually), even if I'm not exactly scraping by well. I have people who love me and whom I love. Two more library positions have opened up, so maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that I have every reason to sink into depression--there have been plenty of triggers lately, and I'm doing what I can to prevent that. I know the end all and be all of my life isn't financial. It's just the sucky part of it, right now. A therapist once told me my main stress and the problems surrounding it seemed to stem from the fact that I wasn't being paid enough to really make a living. Now I'm making even less. :) I'm sort of making half a living, and I don't particularly like having a half-life.

But damn, it's tiring. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and go, well, it was a sucky time of my life, but it made me stronger. That's how I feel about the last...oh, gee, 15 years, really. Well, maybe more than that. Actually, I think the year I was 8 (1975) was the only point I really remember fondly. That's a little sad.

I just wish I could get to that point now. A point where I have a little more security and could focus more on building relationships or exploring or spiritual growth rather than where the next meal will be or whether I'll be out on the street soon. That's the security point I need--nothing fancy, just a place to live, a reliable way to get around, a job I like and that pays me what I'm worth, and a sense of making the world a little better for everyone else. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks for listening to the rant. I try not to do it too much, even if this is a sort of personal journal, amongst other things. Well, it's getting late, I've had my cry, and I don't want to be late tomorrow, too. And although I never thought I'd say this...since I always wanted to strangle Scarlett...'tomorrow is another day'. Maybe, especially if the sun is shining, tomorrow will be better. Or at least maybe not worse.

'Night.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Comic Book Legal Defense Fund has joined the fight against the PATRIOT Act

Was pointed to this from LISNEws.com:

Comic Book Resources - CBR News - The Comic Brief

For those of you who don't hang out at comics stores, the CBLDF has been fighting censorship for several years now. They've joined the amicus brief in support of the ACLU challenge to Section 215. Yay!

UK Students Chase Assailant into Police Cruiser

Stanton Man Accused In Assault Of Female UK Student

A woman walking near Sorority Row at UK screamed that she was being attacked and several people nearby came to her aid. Four male students chased the man through a nearby building. In an attempt to escape, the man banged on the window of a UK Police cruiser and said that the men had jumped him. Once the police took everyone's statement, he was arrested.

Although I'm sure the police would never encourage people to take the law into their own hands, it's good that the others responded to the woman's screams, and at least in this situation everything worked out so that no one--those coming to aid, the police, or even the alleged assailant (who is, after all, presumed innocent until proven guilty)--besides the victim was injured.

Unfortunately the police say this man does not fit the description of the suspect of an earlier rape on campus. There have been several assaults on the campuses of UK and EKU (about 30 minutes away) this year and the man arrested in this case is an EKU student. I guess that would be too much to hope for.

Whew! What a BUSY couple of days!

listening to: 'Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)' by Green Day; 'Man on the Moon' by REM; 'Bright Lights' by Matchbox Twenty
feeling: Accomplished

Yesterday I put in a very long day working at both places and finally getting some concrete progress on my project for KET. Adventure of the day: The bus power chair lift (for bringing wheelchairs on board) broke free when the lever refused to hold and was bolting forward into the door, causing us to be stranded until they could fix it. (Fortunately one of the new expresses came by and I realised it would get me to Cooper, so I grabbed that one instead). [You know, I don't mind taxes. But living in a town where we can't get public transportation that runs reliably and safely and where we're losing dozens of police and fire fighters due to lack of pay makes me wonder where my tax dollars ARE going....] But I still managed to get to work when I said I would be there and got my time sheet in, so I should be getting my first paycheque from there next week.

I also checked out classes for next semester (I want to finish up my graduate studies and that annoying one linguistics undergraduate class in the next year or so). I'm thinking of taking 'Women and Madness' and 'Readings in US Women's History'. I need to talk to a history advisor and the women's studies department about the certificate in Women's Studies and finishing up my history degree. I took a couple years off to get my health together, and I'm afraid I might have to get special permission, since there's a time limit involved. We'll see. But since by my calculation I'm only about a year's worth of work away from a PhD I think I should go for it.

Today I started out my day exercising my Nineteenth Amendment right (as one of my fellow bus riders put it) and discovered that the universe had a sick joke to play on me. Or maybe it's just not in favour of the democratic process. Basically, I got over to the polling place and discovered that the election official who was signing people in was my ex. We both basically pretended that we'd never set eyes on each other. Since I once swore I'd have nothing more to do with him, I made a general non-committal sound when asked whether I was still at the same address. Basically if he didn't know where I lived already, he does now. Not that this bothers me as much as it once would--but we do live only a block away from one another. Gee. My life. Fortunately once I got in the booth I could do my silent screaming. Still, I managed to vote and get out of there with a fair amount of grace.

My only consolation was that I was apparently quite stunning. No, I'm not being vain. Because that spur-of-the-moment rinse has made my hair a little brighter than normal, I've been making sure my skintone didn't clash by wearing my contacts and makeup and this is flooring everyone I run into. I found some of that lipstick that lasts all day on sale, so I'm wearing lipstick for longer than five minutes and apparently it makes a huge difference. I have had random guys hit on me. My co-workers have all gone 'wow!'...that sort of thing. My glasses are so strong in prescription they make my eyes look a lot smaller, and I guess it had been awhile since anyone had seen my (as one friend puts it 'lemur') eyes. The compliments have been nice. I guess I'd been hiding behind those glasses for too long. It's also nice to know that all that theoretical knowledge I gained from Seventeen magazine worked...it's enough to get the compliments but no one's sure whether I have makeup on, so I'm doing it right. Makeup and manicures--two skills I got from that magazine. Pity it couldn't teach me to walk in heels. That's a girly thing that's beyond me, I think.

Today I spent most of my workday working on web stuff for the hospital and then, after getting my unemployment cheque in the mail, went out to hunt the elusive dog and cat food at the grocery and drag it back home. With the bus, this took four hours, mostly in waiting. Mind you, it's maybe a mile down the road. Unfortunately, between people rushing to vote (a good thing, I guess) and those rushing to get to the UK basketball game, traffic was bumper to bumper. When I started out it wasn't dark, but by the time I even got on the bus (I had to wait about an hour and 15 minutes because they don't have enough working buses to run the peak hour schedule) the sun had gone down. Not a good time to have worn black. But I managed to cross Richmond Road without getting killed, at least. And I discovered Schlotzsky's has good vegetarian fair (Tuscan Italian pizza very nummy). I also got to watch a very interesting crab spider that was yellow on the front and black on the rear. Okay, maybe some of you wouldn't see that as a plus, but I do. There was also a beautiful orb spider web up in a tree near the grocery. But spiders are a special fondness of mine, especially religiously, which is why my middle name means spider. :)

Now the animals are sated and I have some basic necessities in the house. Unfortunately, the system seems to have screwed up my cheque again--I only got $49. That's a week worth minus what I worked at KET the first week. The second week I didn't work both jobs (busy trying not to get evicted) and I was off for vacation for three days. Whenever I follow the &^*%% prompts on the system as its stated and try to enter vacation pay, it messes things up. I need to check tomorrow and see if I can get it hammered out. If so, then I should be able to get another $89 by the end of the week. Sigh. Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining, because I know the phone claims are easier than it used to be. But it's still frustrating. At least two more jobs opened up at the university.

We have a new governor (not the one I voted for, but you can't win everything). I know someone who's been working for the Democratic ticket, and I'm sure he's disappointed. I must say Ernie Fletcher (the Republican candidate and winner) did an excellent job in his acceptance speech, and Ben Chandler (the Democratic candidate) seems to have taken things gracefully. I suppose the two pluses are 1) There will be a new election to fill Fletcher's now-vacant Congressional seat--dare we get a less conservative Congressman in?-- and 2) regardless of the outcome, Paul Patton is leaving office. Patton's legacy has unfortunately become one in which he not only had an affair but allegedly used his office for the benefit of his mistress. The scandal was such that Ben Chandler's chances were hurt just by sharing the same political party, despite an overall public approval of his job as Attorney General--a lot of people didn't realise he was elected to the office; they thought he was a Patton appointee, I think, since on the federal level it's an appointed office. We vote for ours separately. I have to admit, I very nearly voted for Gatewood Galbraith for the new AG. He's sort of perennial character that runs for just about everything around here. He's very much pro-marijuana. That seemed like almost too good to pass up in terms of irony. Although I do agree with some of Galbraith's ideas (he is an Independent, after all), he's a little too out there for me. And he smokes cigars. Not that I'll hold it against him politically--I just try to avoid him at the July 4th parades because I nearly puke whenever I smell cigars. :)

Hmm....anything else? How about Weird Dream of the Week?

The winner is the one I had Sunday night where the library (which I always dream about as if it were part of a school, with lots of exits and these double walls with storage between the walls, even though my library looks nothing like this and doesn't even have an outside door) was actually built atop an old monastery. In the area between the walls you could go down into this sort of catacomb that was part of the monastery. There was an interesting reliquary made of stone using some sort of artesian well or aquifer process to draw water up and then flow down steps, recycling the water and taking these two stone statues of saints down the steps with it. I remember thinking it was craftsmanship akin to the Coral Castle in Florida. (Actually, that's what the stone looked like--rough-hewn).

At some point they brought in enough student shelvers to literally shelve maybe 30 books a piece (hey, we've only got about 1000 books). They had a teacher who was a very arrogant man who, it turned out, was really there to try to get a secret artefact from the monastery. They wound up going down into the caverns and desecrated one of the holy areas. The abbot was chasing the teacher through these sand tunnels underground. Neither was acting particularly human, I might add. There was a thing that was the abbot's protector, a sort of Cthulhoid thing that was tripedal, with three eyes and tentacles--sort of pyramid-shaped, like some concepts of Lovecraft's Nyarlothotep, but the size of a man. It was very agitated and tried to keep up with the abbot to protect him.

Somewhere in all this there was bob-tailed mother cat I'd taken in which, when we returned from below, had become rabid and died. It's like the desecration caused everything to become poisoned and decayed. The cat upset me more than anything though. Eventually I was sent away to quiet retirement in an Italian villa--apparently the church takes care of their own--so I couldn't share the secret of the monastery. (Which is rather odd, seeing as I'm pagan).

Yeah. I know. I shouldn't play so much Call of Cthulhu. It was really like something out of Indiana Jones run amok.

Only drawback? I've been so busy, I haven't updated the NaNoWriMo project. But I have a whole month for that, right? Ha. That'll go by quickly. Well, I guess that's it for now. Hope you're having a good week.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Librarians Fight the PATRIOT Act

WSJ.com - Patriot Act Riles An Unlikely Group: Nation's Librarians

Hmpf. Obviously it's only an 'unlikely' group if you discount the professional culture where reading freedom rights are very nearly sacred.

I think this is teaching people a lot about librarians, and attorney generals. So far, I think we're coming out ahead. :)

I kind of feel sorry for the FBI agents. They're not going to make any converts amongst librarians. And we're really about as patriotic as we are rabid about intellectual freedom, so it's not like we're the bad guys.

PS I wasn't able to attend, but I'm glad the Kentucky Library Association got a bit of spotlight!

Interesting commentary on the PATRIOT Act

from the St. Petersburg Times
When pressed over whether Lakers star Kobe Bryant should continue playing basketball while the issue of his alleged sexual assault is under consideration by the courts, NBA Commissioner David Stern told the Los Angeles Times: "Absolutely. We don't have a Patriot Act in the NBA."

Robyn E Blumner points out that the PATRIOT Act has become synonymous in the public mindset as something unfair, a presumption of guilt, against our basic rights. This discusses the expansions sought by the Bush Administration and Congressional attempts to eliminate some of the current bill's excesses.

Passing this on...

Online Graduate Credit Course
Non-resident tuition waived!

Course: Intellectual Freedom and Libraries
Instructor: Louise Robbins
School: University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Library and Information Studies
Dates: January 20-May 7, 2004

A course description and registration details can be found at
http://www.slis.wisc.edu/academic/ces/index.html.

For more information about registration, contact Linda Mundt.
For more information about course content, contact Louise Robbins.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

A great, productive weekend so far

    I:
  • Spent Halloween evening finishing up a Cthulhu adventure. It seemed appropriate, and no one ever stops by the apartment for candy. I usually celebrate Samhain (the religious holiday) on either the old date, November 11th or the astronomically correct one, so it worked out. But most pagans go with Samhain Eve as tonight. Actually, given the importance it has in my tradition, I treat October 31-November 12 as a sort of Samhain season akin to Advent. I don't put quite as much emphasis on the other cross-quarter days and celebrate them within the same framework but usually one of the appropriate dates rather than throughout them. Does that make any sense?
  • Put a temporary rinse on my hair that doesn't so much lighten the hair as boost the natural highlights/cover a little of the grey, meaning I now have fairly coppery hair, and Friday late it was very, very red and now it's settled down to just a shade or two off my norm.
  • Went with some co-workers out to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch and then to catch the early bird matinee for Intolerable Cruelty. I wasn't sure I'd like it, but that didn't matter because as far as I'm concerned Catherine Zeta-Jones is quite possibly the most gorgeous woman on the planet. But the movie was great. George Clooney and Zeta-Jones had a wonderful, sexy chemistry that truly made the movie. It was wonderful to watch the cynical, bored divorce lawyer soar to high romantic heights only to be chewed up and spit out. It was wonderful to see all their scheming for naught. It was instructional to see an asthmatic bad guy get confused over his inhaler and his gun (I took careful notes on that one, wouldn't want to squeeze the wrong trigger). I want this on video. It's a perfect romantic comedy involving terribly practical people who show their inner romantics by bandying Shakespeare at one another. Not to mention, it is quite possibly the funnies use of the name Tenzing Norgay. Defintely check this one out.
  • Came home, happy, full, and sleepy. Proceeded to take a six-hour nap.
  • Woke up to do some blogging and wound up reporting gunshots instead.
  • Had trouble with the debit machine at Walgreens and had to go to the ATM, causing me to miss my bus this morning. Fortunately, a nice doctoral student studying gerontology offered me a ride.
  • Discovered that being a little more redhead and wearing my contacts and light makeup and a v-neck apparently makes damn near everyone notice me like I'm neon. I'm not sure if I just look that great or if the makeup makes me feel more confident so I'm not my normal mousy-fade-in-the-background-self. Not that this is bad, mind you, but it was a little disconcerting, and I think I offended a guy on the bus when he offered to keep me company and I told him I was busy. But that's because...
  • Have written my first 1500 words or so of my NaNoWriMo novel (of a target of 50,000). I'm much further along than I was this time last year, which is good, because I think I only got a fifth of the way at that time. I was blocking out the outline and writing the last of a chapter on the bus, so I really was busy. And he seemed like a drugged out unshaven Carrot Top kind of guy, so I don't think he was my type--although I'm sure he's nice. Maybe a little crazy, though.
  • Played much Sims.
  • Didn't wind up gaming today because Brenda's still madly working on her play (evil director decided to do Hamlet--I think--with one female cast and one male one, so double costumes) and I had wakeup issues to contend with, for which I will apologise to the game master next week with Halloween leftover gummy mummies. Oh, well. Gaming twice in one weekend's a little over top for me.
  • Ordered my unemployment insurance cheque...and
  • Did laundry. Clean clothes, yay!

Not bad for a couple of days. I'm going to work on some projects for KET, too. I would have gone over earlier but I'd unfortunately left my badge at home. Still, I think I can get a lot accomplished at home.

Now I'm trying to decide if I'd like to watch a little TV or take a nap. The nap is winning, I think.

Yes!

Wil Wheaton has posted some great how-to-survive tips for Halloween, horror films, Cthulhu, etc.

Take notes, intrepid investigators.

This is why I kept saying that the folks in the House on Haunted Hill would have been fine if they'd stayed together at the bar and not gone traipsing around an asylum basement alone. :o)