Ten reasons I'm in a good mood today...

1. Tonight is my last night at DBT.

2. I got sleep over the weekend (hence the reason for no update on the novel).

3. It was sunny this weekend, and warm, but the sunny was the important part. It has been uncharacteristically rainy for what seems a month now. I don't think I could live in the Northwest, or for that matter Britain, without severe depression setting in. How do you people in rainy climes stand it?

4. When the torrential storms hit our area, I was in a basement with friends playing a game and therefore didn't get a chance to let my phobia of storms loose.

5. While there was property damage and some injuries, no one in our area was killed--we were spared the worst of the storms. There's something about our geography that seems to funnel storms into the mountains and along the Mississippi/Ohio rivers, for which I'm grateful.

6. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets comes out Friday! Whopee! I'm going to try and take a half-day to get to the theatres before the kiddies.

7. My friend Zabet, her husband, and cat, came together for a winning team at Something Positive's Halloween costume contest.

8. I woke up (before my alarm went off) with my dog curled up at my head and a paw resting on my head. (You might not be cheered up by this, but I love it).

9. I had set my clock last night for a random time ahead (circa 15 minutes, but enough off that I could'nt reliably do math in the morning). As a result, I got to work five minutes early! Go me!

10. Thursday is payday.

:)

Anyway, hope you're having a wonderful day, too.

7.

Friday Five!!!

1. Did you vote in your last elections? Yes, I did. :)

2. Do you know who your elected representatives are? Yes.

3. Have you ever contacted an elected representative? If so, what was it about? A couple of times. One was a local councilmember regarding an upcoming vote extending basic employment rights regardless of sexual orientation. Another regarded some of the questionable intitiatives post Sept. 11th to supposedly fight terrorism that treat on some of our rights as US citizens.

4. Have you ever participated in a demonstration? Oh, yes. A few gay pride marches, "take back the night", that kind of thing. Most of my "political" issues revolve around human rights and the environment. After Sept. 11th I went to a vigil, which is technically not a demonstration, but seeing as it was organised by one of the Muslim groups on campus, I wanted to show my support in commemorating the attack without blaming innocents who happen to share the same ethnicity/religion.

5. Have you ever volunteered in an election? What was the result? I haven't yet. One of my friends did this year, in our mayoral race, and I so I got to see what was involved. And the candidate, won, so he was ecstatic. I have been part of a political rally. I went to one of Bill Clinton's at UK a few years ago. Apparently my fear of crowds hadn't quite kicked in at that point. Anyway, it was an interesting experience.

Neato...

This blog is now listed in the Open Directory Project , on Google, and at LinkSpider for Library/Information Science weblogs, in addition to some of the directories I've already seen it in. And we're now over 3000 hits. Not bad for ravings, hmm? Yea!

Today I was invited to come to the next Advanced DBT group. For those of you who may be new to this blog, DBT stands for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, which seems to be the best treatment available for borderline personality disorder (BPD). It's a type of therapy that emphasises life skills, particularly in dealing with stress and destructive behaviours. It's not your standard therapy--it's more like a class, really. Each session is spent going over homework and learning new skills. DBT has an excellent success rate; somewhere I read that of people with BPD, 1 in 10 will commit suicide, whereas DBT has a success rate of 4 in 5. BPD is not well understood, but it seems to result from a combination of physical and emotional development issues. People with BPD often have symptoms similar to those with post-traumatic stress. Since many "borderlines" have had traumatic childhoods, their brains may have developed under high levels of stress. So there's a biological/psychological component, at least according to current theory. Because borderlines are slow to trust, it's hard to get them through therapy. They tend to drop out or act out. They're kind of the problem children of therapy, actually. The diagnosis itself is controversial, and some therapists prefer not to deal with borderline patients because there are problems maintaining traditional boundaries of therapy, etc. Fortunately there's been an increase in information available both for professionals and for people with borderline personality disorder or those with family members with BPD. I know how difficult it is to live with someone with BPD--I married someone with it, in addition to having it myself. But people with BPD usually don't mean to be difficult--they just don't have the more effective coping mechanisms that well-adjusted (is there such a thing?) people have.

Anyway, that means next week will be my last week in regular DBT. I get my Monday nights back, although I'm giving up Tuesday, which is TV night: Buffy/Haunted/Charmed. Although as Zabet said, that's why God made VCRs. I said that I thought the Japanese made VCRs. She said some people probably think the Japanese are God. :)

One nice thing about DBT is that it can be useful for just about anybody, BPD diagnosis or not. It focuses on mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. It's not easy; you really have to evaluate what you're doing and feeling. There's usually a one-year commitment to DBT--once a week, for a year. I'm finally at the end of my year and I have to say, I've gone from suicidal ideation to a much healthier approach to life. Advanced DBT is a little different. There you focus on long-term goals, bring all the skills together, and there's not the lengthy commitment. It's more of a "let's touch base and see how you're doing". Seeing as I still have occasional "breakdowns" as opposed to The Breakdown, which, in retrospect, I basically had last fall where everything fell apart, it seems like a plan. I have noticed, though, that I'm doing much better, especially if I'm sleeping and eating well, etc., etc.

Anyway, if you have any questions about DBT in terms of what it's like, you can e-mail me. I'll continue occasional updates.

(Yawn). I think I'll go back to sleep. I was all fired up to write this evening, but I was just too tired--I just cuddled up with the cats and crashed. I needed it, apparently. But...must get in...my 50,000 words eventually.... Aw, hell, goodnight. :)

Hmm? Question for the day...

Before we got indoor plumbing, how did families handle potty training? Chamberpots--which is kinda what a kid's potty is anyway, or what? How did they learn to use communal privies? I mean, out in the wild I guess you just squat, but we did have about 10,000 years of civilisation between that and the Crapper toilet. That's a lot of toddlers.

Can you tell I've been cataloguing too many books on potty training? But hey, at least I learned that some of those little plastic potties have a "splash guard/modesty panel" that can pop up for little boys, so there is a difference between "girl" and "boy" training potties. I'm sure I've missed a whole slew of these sorts of things by not having kids, but then, I'm not cleaning up kid poop, either.

There's been a lot of talk of patriotism and liberty lately. Want to know the best way to support liberty? VOTE!

Today is Election day here in the USA. Check out Rock the Vote and Vote Smart. The latter has links to specific elections throughout the country. But most of all, drive/walk/click/whatever you need to do to get your concerns heard. No car? There are people willing to drive others to the polls. Bad rain? That's what umbrellas are for. It only takes a couple of minutes to make a difference. So get out and rock the vote!

PS I have no idea what happened to my comments. I'll hopefully have them back soon. If not, I'll check with enetation and see what the deal is. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I think I'm getting the hang of this...

So, after many years of making up stories, I'm actually trying to to write one. If you're really interested, you can get the updates at: my site. And please forgive me if I don't blog as much. The idea is to write 50,000 words by November 30th, so I have a L O N G way to go. :) I'm also starting a sketch journal of sorts to work on describing feelings, etc., a sort of story of me that's just for my own healing. The two together might take up most of my creativity. Oh, and then there's the game. Last night two characters (thankfully, the two most annoying, and non-player characters) were killed and five of us wound up in the hospital. I hate plotting cultists, especially ones with sniper rifles. We practically begged one of the players to come in from Versailles and play (she'd just finished a matinee at Transylvania and thought she was off the hook for the day--we fed her much Halloween candy. :) Unfortunately, the least senior character was actually in charge, because the rest of us dropped like flies, and the one cultist that was caught was taken only because of an untrained girl's sheer bravado. Once the other player came in we could bring a bunch who had been away, including one who could glom brains and detect the rest of the coven members. Sigh. It's a roleplaying thing; I guess if you've never done it, you can't quite understand the thrill of coming back week after week to see if the game master can kill you or worse. Yes, it's horror based on H.P. Lovecraft. There's a lot worse than being killed in those stories. Anyway, hope you're having a creative jag, too. 'Night.

Happy Samhain, everyone [or All Soul's, Day of the Dead, whatever you celebrate. If you don't, happy Friday.]

1. Were you raised in a particular religious faith? Not particularly. I started going to a Southern Baptist church when I was about six simply because the other kids in the neighbourhood did, and they did a lot of fun stuff like vacation Bible school, etc. I really loved learning about the Bible, and I had a pretty strong pull towards Deity, even when young [how many nine year olds do you know who feel they have a personal relationship with God, after all, and have lots of talks]? I loved the games, the singing. At some point I did finally ask my parents what my "family religion" was, and they were raised Baptist. Turns out I'm from a long line of Baptist ministers, with a few Presbyterians and Hugenots thrown in. But with a dad in the military and with mom being a nurse, they never had schedules for church attendance, and my mom at least always put more importance in personal faith rather than going to services. Of course, I also got my introduction to reincarnation from my mom; she was always a strong believer in that, because she had memories of a former life.

2. Do you still practice that faith? Why or why not?

No. Once I got old enough to go to regular church, I found it boring and, quite frankly, not the life-affirming, optimistic religion I rather thought it was. I didn't hate it, or anything; I just wasn't satisfied. By the time I was fourteen I had figured out that I believed that God was present throughout creation, that in a sense there is no real separation between Creator and Created. I knew that I found myself feeling most spiritual in natural settings. Later on, I discovered paganism quite by accident, and realised that it was closest to what I believed. For me, we are all children of God. I subscribe to a sort of Neo-Platonic outlook of what we call the "God tree", where there is a supreme Deity, World-Soul, what have you, and we all have a connexion to it. But we relate best with the Gods, who descend from this Whole to a more concrete level that we can relate to. So yes, there are many Gods, and One, but the Gods and Goddesses themselves are separate, discrete Beings at the same time. Kind of like Hinduism. I have a particular Goddess I'm close to, that I relate well with. But you know, the God of my youth is still there; I'm just not sure it's the same as the one that the Christians worship.

3. What do you think happens after death?

I believe that we are reborn through many lives, learning from each one. I think there is a "place" souls go between lives, but I'm not sure what it's like. When I have spoken to the dead during ritual, they are usually in a place, but it's given form by my interpretation of it; I can't really explain what it's really like. Maybe I can only perceive a bit of it. I do believe that we can interact with the dead, given the right circumstances.

4. What is your favorite religious ritual (participating in or just observing)?
Participating: the yearly descent to the underworld at Samhain to honour lost loved ones. Observing: I am fascinated by Catholic and Jewish rituals. Try watching a priest sometime with your inner eye. Those motions, those words, have power and purpose. In Judaism, the power lies with the Torah, and Hebrew, the language of prayer. Their tradition is very rich and textured, and it comes out when a prayer is made.

5. Do you believe people are basically good?
I believe people have great and equal capability for good and evil, although some may tend to lean one way or another. In general yes, I think people are basically good, with some exceptions. There are some people who seem to be "not quite right" from the start. Whether it's a supernatural form of evil, or a defect, or just their nature, I don't know. Would Hitler, Dahmer, etc. have been good if their life experiences had been different? I'm not sure. I do have faith that when evil strikes, great good is just as likely to be shown in humankind. And I believe our choices, overt or covert, large and small, do make a difference.

WARNING...rant mode *on*

I have heard more whining in the last two days than I think in any other time since my divorce. Why is this, you ask? Because I've been hanging out in the Halloween aisles of stores, looking for decent treats (as a pagan I'm not usually home during Halloween/Samhain, but this year I happen to be) or costume additions. Ah, the nearly constant sound of "I'm tired", "I don't wanna", etc. The worst thing of all? None of it was from kids. It was from tired, cranky adults who for some, inexplicable reason decided to wait until the day or two before Halloween and then hit stores like Wal-Mart or Walgreens between work and dinner to see if they could find a costume for their little one. The kids, with the exception of one totally unattended boy who was pretending to be a basketball star up and down the aisles, were actually using reasonable tones. "Hey, mom, what do you think about ____?" "How would this look?" While I'm sure I'm being unfair to frazzled parents (after all, I'm not one and what could I know, having only been a kid?), the fact of the matter is this stuff has been sitting in those aisles since July. It's not like our area has been gripped by a sniper or something. It just wasn't something that they particularly thought ahead for. Poor planning like that wouldn't get them ahead in the business world. Why on earth should it work at home? The result of all this is no one enjoys themselves, which is part of the Halloween holiday as it is celebrated by mainstream America, and they just annoy the rest of us who are approaching it with more enthusiasm.

The fact is, life usually doesn't play out as smoothly as something coordinated by Martha Stewart. Hell, even Martha's finding that out. We all have days when we crack, and certainly I've had my share of them--you've read about enough of them. But see, there's a difference. I blog, but you have to actually check things out to hear me whine. And while I will admit I also have breakdowns around my friends, that's sort of one perk to having friends--and I help them pick up pieces on their bad days. But I don't inflict my anxieties, fears, troubles, frustrations, etc. on children. They've already got enough of their own to deal with and (usually) a lot less maturity and coping skills to get them through.

I mean, think about just about any scary situation for a kid. Divorce. A sibling's or parent's illness. A bully. Kids almost always assume that there's something that they did, that's wrong with them, because they've only been on the planet for a few years and don't see the bigger picture, especially if no one's telling them otherwise. So if a parent is frustrated because a boss has set an impossible deadline, money's running low, there's this or that practice to shuffle kids to, and oh, by the way, we have to get Halloween costumes for whatever school or social thing that always pops up at the last minute--well, the kid has no idea what's up, and either clams up or acts out worse.

If it seems I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, it's because I've been working for years to break myself of the habit for taking responsibility for stuff I had no control over while simultaneously absolving myself of the stuff that really is mine alone. I grew up a seething (yet relatively quiet) ball of anger, guilt, fear, and shame, and to be honest, I had parents who could have used some parenting classes but who weren't torturing me every moment of my existence or anything. I think part of it was I was so isolated from other kids, as an only child and moving around so much. I didn't know that my life could have been different, or that other parents were different with their kids. And I have no doubt that if I hadn't started working on those problems, and had gone ahead and had children when the opportunity arose, I'd have been one of those parents whining at their kids at the store. I'm so glad I'm not. Part of me would rather miss out on all of the wonders of having children rather than become that, not just because of my own dignity, but because of the children in the audience, the child essentially told that he or she doesn't matter compared to "all those other problems". Kids aren't problems. They're gifts, and challenges, all rolled up in one, regardless of their individual talents or deficits. I'm not sure I'm emotionally mature enough to meet that challenge. But I know that five to ten years ago it would have been far worse.

Last night I watched a news segment (I can't remember which show it was, probably Dateline) about a teacher in California who ran off to Vegas with her 14-year-old student lover. She was in the midst of a divorce and at an "emotionally vulnerable" time. Because she crossed state lines and had sex with a minor, she could have wound up in prison for life. Granted, she wasn't going to hurt him. But his parents had no idea where they were for four days--that must have seemed a lifetime. She's on probation as a convicted sex felon as it is. She admits she made some stupid mistakes. She obviously rationalised her way along (trust me, I know how that goes). She probably convinced herself that she was protecting or helping him. She's an extreme case, of course, and I could almost sympathise. After all, I've had a breakdown of sorts, and I certainly have made really bad choices, most notably in marrying an abusive sex addict, which while it wasn't illegal could have easily gotten me killed. She's about my age, too. But you know...there comes a time when you have to start accepting responsibility for your behaviour. I started this year. There's nothing special that makes me different in that I made that choice. Others can, too. But it seems that so many people just want the world to fix their lives, rather than let their lives help fix the world. I don't get it.

And while I'm on a rant about people who harm children...this was on the news when I logged in...Authorities search for priest on the run. Please don't think that by posting this I'm being anti-Catholic or anti-priest. I have great respect for priests and nuns. However, that respect is based on their vows, which include celibacy. That's just such a step most people never take. The thing is, regardless of what sexual orientation a person is, a vow of celibacy should be binding, and if it can't be, then that person should either not take the vow, or ask to released from it. Now, I do not see paediphilia as an orientation like homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality. There is nothing inherent in sex, colour, whatever that prevents two people from having a satisfying sexual, loving, relationship. And I acknowledge that there is a grey area of age, since people don't really agree on any "one" age of consent. In my own state you used to be able to marry a 12-year-old so long as the parent consented, for example. But, the fact is, minors do not have the emotional maturity to be in an equal partnership with those with years of experience behind them. Two fifteen-year-olds having sex is more about exploring new horizons, emotionally and physically. An older person, particularly one in authority, preying on a child is another thing altogether, particularly when there is a breach of trust. This is especially true when it is a parent, family member, teacher, counselor, priest, etc. That breach of trust seems to leave more lasting emotional damage than anything that may go on physically. The idea that this man apparently operated for years, shuffling back and forth, and never was removed as a priest--I can't fathom it, and it makes me angry, and doubly so that someone may be helping him. I once read a Newsweek article about a priest who had had one encounter with a 17-year-old, recognised that it was inappropriate, and resigned. He did retain his priest status, but not only did he remove himself from the minsitry, he basically imposed a self-exile on a mountain removed from the temptations and sought counseling. I have far more respect for him. He took responsibility for his actions. He recognised that he couldn't undo it, but he could seek forgiveness and prevent it from happening again. This fugitive priest got wind of the investigation, booked a cruise, then returned to the country only to disappear--and his victims were under 14.

What a world.

rant mode *off*

(Tomorrow, in honour of the holiday, I'll try to keep my blogging light and upbeat--promise. I think with the end of my DBT coming, though, these issues are just hitting closer to home because I'm doing some reflecting).

Is it a girl thing, or am I just psycho?

I'm realising more and more lately just how hard it is for me to ask for anything. A day off. A cookie. I just look at a person with this puppy-dog-begging kind of way, even when I really am trying to be a responsible adult. Earlier tonight, I had taken the bus out to Walmart and ran into Zabet and her hubby, and after we'd talked a bit, I just sort of stared at her, trying to get up the courage to ask for a ride home, no doubt looking stupid. She had to say, "I suppose you'd like a ride?" Now this is the same woman who just braved plague for me, mind you. I've known her for years. I know that I can usually depend on her. And the worst she could have said was no, she couldn't, and I'd take the bus like I'd planned to begin with.

It's like I feel that I don't have a right to ask for anything, or that in saying no, someone will be literally rejecting me. That may be the borderline personality talking. I dunno. I know I never seemed to be able to get my dad to notice me when I wanted him to--he certainly did when I didn't, except when I was really little and cute. Momma says that once I got old enough to talk to and it was obvious that I was intelligent--well, he just never felt comfortable with me, because he was afraid he'd fail, that his answers weren't good enough, that he'd be wrong. (Gee, that sounds familiar, too, although I'm scared of really little kids before you can have a conversation with them and they just scream). The sad thing is all my life I've felt overlooked, underappreciated, etc., etc., but I've been helping that whole thing along. And maybe Daddy did too. I mean, it's silly to resent people when you don't even give the chance to give you what you want, hmmm? But I've done that my whole life, and I think he has, too. And while I've got a lot better (I do actually ask for help now, and unless I'm emotionally warbly, I'm usually okay). I think part of the problem tonight is that by running into them, my plans were changing, and I don't shift gears easily.

You probably wonder how I can even be a professional librarian. I do too, sometimes. Thing is, I'm good at it, and with a few exceptions, I'm pretty flexible. But in my personal life, well, I'm still working on it.

My point being is even though I'm...well...a bit rabid...mad...rabid...I'm also a girl, and women in general seem to do this a lot. Are we trained to? I mean my mom was pretty passive with my dad, too. I dream of a world where women can be assertive without being afraid of being agressive. Funny how if you're so caught up in that fear, you just come off as a bitch. If you're self-confident, you just come off a capable.

Oh, small note among the revelations...I came out as bisexual to two of the most conservative people in the hospital today, at once. We were having a discussion about a gay couple here who have had quadruplets through in vitro fertilisation (with one partner as biological parent) and a surrogate mother. They're both Catholic, and the children were christened. Anyway, in the midst I had a small breakdown because while actually one does believe "you're born gay" and both believed that regardless of the parents the children should be christened, that thrice-damned phrase "gay lifestyle" kept coming up again and again. Now, I recognise that there is a gay subculture. Ha--I married into it, of all things. But it is not the end-all-be-all of being gay. Most gays I know don't even participate in that aspect of bar-hopping, gay-pride-parading, chorus-singing, whatever you want to call it. They'd all be nicely married if they were allowed to. (And in fact, most gay and lesbian couples I've known have been together longer than most heterosexual ones I've known). Even my ex and his partner have been together longer than my parents were married. But they don't count, right?

Anyway, I went into a "what is this gay lifestyle?" mode. I asked the woman if she had a heterosexual lifestyle. She said, well, no, actually as a new divorcee, she really didn't jokingly. See--it's synonymous with sex, not subculture, in that mindset. I said, you know, I'm bisexual, so you'd think I'd have quite a bit of "lifestyle". But I haven't dated since 1994, and I haven't had sex with a guy since 1991. But that doesn't change that I'm bisexual, it's just a small part of what I am. Same for gays.

Jeesh, that'll make it through the hospital. I think the stomach problems did something to my mouth. I also read out the side effects of Pepto-Bismol. That's sure to get me comments and strange looks. (Ah, you gotta love the folks at Procter & Gamble, who not only got the domain www.pepto-bismol.com, but also http://www.diarrhea.com/, assuming anyone can spell it. Well, unless you're PETA, since P&G has mostly, but not completely halted animal testing of their products.) And just for the record, I generally admire PETA's goals but sometimes think...well, they outrabid this Rabid Librarian. I recognise that some animal testing may be necessary, especially in medicine. (I give you the movie The Fly as evidence). I mean, where would diabetics be without pigs? Now we have human, and I think, synthetic insulin. For years, though, it was pig. I try not to impact the animal kingdom beyond what I need to survive. Certainly for years I think the general view of need was up there with Dr. Seuss' "The Lorax" thneed-obsessed rather than real, basic need. And certainly I think the worthiness of animal testing should be examined on the same level as human testing. "Will it give us reliable, new information?" "Does it subject animals to unreasonable pain or suffering considering the results". However, the other day I considered the Pepto-Bismol a godsend, and I notice that the info site I found did not list animal safe alternatives for over the counter medicines, and you can't depend on the generics either. I remember when Gillette was still being boycotted as one of the bad guys, and they're touted on that site.

Anyway, back to the pink stuff. I was looking to see why I felt all sweaty and greasy (I already knew about the little item they print on the bottle about turning your stools black, thank the Gods). But this was so great I read it out loud--and I am not making this up--(emphasis mine):

Anxiety; any loss of hearing; confusion; constipation (severe); diarrhea (severe or continuing); difficulty in speaking or slurred speech; dizziness or lightheadedness; drowsiness (severe); fast or deep breathing; headache (severe or continuing); increased sweating; increased thirst; mental depression; muscle spasms (especially of face, neck, and back); muscle weakness; nausea or vomiting (severe or continuing); ringing or buzzing in ears (continuing); stomach pain (severe or continuing); trembling; uncontrollable flapping movements of the hands (especially in elderly patients) or other uncontrolled body movements; vision problems

And with that, I bid you a fond adieu. Go easy on that pink stuff.

PS Why is it that the little finder on the address line of Internet Explorer seems to keep the &*##^&(*^*& typos??? I always have rabid-librarian.blgospot.com come up when I try to access my site. Oh, yeah. Microsoft. Did that come out of my mouth..um..fingers? I think Zabet and her hubby have been splicing Mac subliminal ads into our Friday night videos!