I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight

and more than a little psycho and yet not up to connecting with the people I do have in my life tonight.

I have a very small social circle within which I operate. As far as family, I have my mother and grandmother, although there's baggage there. My father and I haven't spoken with one another since 1993. My aunts, uncles, and cousins live elsewhere. My family was never really large, but consisted of great-grandparents and grandparents now gone, so in terms of a family connexion things are getting a little slim, and it's not like I went out and started a family of my own for any continuity, like most people do.

I do have two very good friends, one of whom I've known for over twenty years, and some really decent acquaintances. I wouldn't trade my friendships for the world.

I guess what's bothering me is that I don't have anyone in my life that I'm in love with, that I share my life with, that I live with and all that. If it weren't for my ill-fated brief marriage, I'd be an old maid, and I'm feeling very much like one, which is a little odd, since I'm normally fairly content about the situation, or at least thought I was. But I must admit that maybe I've been ignoring the loneliness instead, and it's been eating away at me for some time.

Of course, I'd rather be in no relationship rather than a dysfunctional one, but I'm at a point now where feel I deserve some happiness after all and really want to share my life with someone, but it's not really happening yet.

Oddly enough, this has meant that my tolerance for people has been almost nil today, which is bad, as I was at the store. That, along with very painful tendonitis in both feet and pain to the point where one foot could not touch another sidelined me for the evening as I decided it would be better to just stay home and be grumpy on my own. The feet finally eased up to the point where I can touch them. But the loneliness feels, well, like a hole in my chest, and I'm thinking it's definitely time to go back into therapy.

Sorry, I know this is somewhat disconnected; I'm trying to sort out the feelings that are right below the surface and put them in some coherent sense.

Maybe I should just go back to bed and think for awhile.