I wrote this twelve years ago, on this blog:

I am not: nearly as crazy as I sometimes let on.
I hurt: pretty much all the time, so I mostly ignore it.
I hate: that we're probably going to wind up in a war where the people who give the orders don't have to worry about dying.
I fear: falling back into my shadow life where I wasn't really living and wasn't really dying, either.
I hope: that someone very special to me can get his life back.
I crave: security.
I regret: not ever getting the chance to know my twin.
I cry: pretty much at anything romantic or poignant on TV.
I care: about lots of things--people I love, my animals, and world peace, to name a few.
I long: to be able to just study what I'd like, endow the arts, and make a difference in people's lives.
I feel alone: sometimes, but that's okay.
I listen: to anyone who needs me to.
I hide: in my house, on the computer, doing nothing in particular.
I drive: hardly ever, anymore.
I sing: when I am happy, when I am sad, and when I am walking, or when I'm in the car.
I dance: home alone where no one can see me. I bop to the oldies in public, but only because I forget myself.
I write: when inspiration strikes.
I breathe: regularly, as the alternative would be death. I deep breathe when I need to keep stress at bay.
I play: a little bit every day and twice on weekends.
I miss: school.
I search: for truth.
I learn: whenever possible.
I feel: alive for the first time in twenty years.
I know: that I have flaws because I am human, but I carry in my soul a spark of divinity that echoes and connects with all of Creation.
I dream: of owning a little bookstore/herb farm and writing bestselling mysteries and fantasies.
I wonder: how it would feel if the walls between each of us dropped and we could communicate only truth.
I want: to sleep until 10am every morning.
I worry: about things that don't really matter.
I have: hard-won insight.
I give: help when I am needed.

But you know,  I feel much the same about these,  even now. :)

When I was a kid

I thought I was terribly fat, I had thick glasses and read too much by most accounts, although I was quite active after school and on the weekends, playing with a small circle of friends, stealing away to the nearby lake, even venturing near the forbidden woods.

This is what I looked like at age 9 or 10. I found it last night and was struck by how unhappy I look. It's a very flat affect. I think I was depressed most of my life, even as a child, at least mildly. And my home life was not what I wanted it to be. Everyone in my family lived in their own little world. My mother and father never took vacations together, in fact we didn't take 'vacations' where we went anywhere to be tourists--we just went home to visit family in Kentucky from wherever we were, and that was nice. But my mom took me most times, my dad did once when she was recovering from oral surgery. We each had our hobbies (my father, radios; my mother, ceramics; me, reading) and so after dinner, the one time we were together and interacting, we each retreated to our own parts of the house to pursue them. I never realised that was abnormal until I was an adult. Maybe it would have been different if I'd had a sibling, I don't know.

So I look at that child now, and how it all affected her, and I wish I could go back in time and tell her it will be okay, and that someday she'll feel better.