I have not been doing well

The last two weeks I've really spiralled down in terms of my mood.  I keep a mood diary (a good thing to do if you have Bipolar II) and have done so for over a thousand days.  It really tanked as I've been very anxious and almost paralysed with making phone calls from that anxiety, which is unfortunate, as that is part of my job--calling on insurance authorisations, calling facilities to schedule imaging tests, and calling families to let them know when those are scheduled.  It's been awful. 

And now the emotional storms are back. I've been generally very irritable at home, not so bad at work, but I've had no tolerance for frustration at either place.  Yesterday I was yelling at my roommate over a criticism.  I've also being feeling responsible for just about everything, even things I can't control.  The pressure of that has made me boil over (again, at home), and yesterday I was in so much distress I actually felt like cutting my wrists and ending it all.  Not good.  So this morning I went ahead and made an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I have a telehealth appointment tomorrow.  I've also filled out a screening form for him to go over.  It has me pretty depressed and very agitated the same time. I think I'm having a mixed bipolar episode, with major anxiety elements, and it's gotten to a dangerous level both in terms of my mood and the effect it's having on my work and relationships.  I really think that after years of being completely even in mood, I may need some adjustment to my medicine.  But all this is scaring me.  I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from the world and hide from myself.  That latter, especially, is simply not possible. 

Today I must admit went much better.  I made myself make phone calls all day and answer them.  I scheduled 10 offsites, got five surgeries authorised, and got a denial for an MRI complely overturned.  I was productive.  I've been working steadily for weeks, but I have felt like a hamster in a wheel, just spinning and going nowhere. 

I'll see how things go with the doctor and if he thinks I need to go back into therapy, I will see if my former therapist, who got me through my hoarding issues, is seeing clients either virtually or in person.  He was always very good at cutting through my overthinking to the heart of the matter. 

Anyway, that's what's going on in my life.