"Luke...hiss...I...hiss...am your...father"

I obstensibly started this weblog not so much to talk about me (yet I do it all the time) or rant (that, too), but to keep a log of how I was handling some health issues that I could refer people to if they ever asked me, "Well, how did you feel when you found out?"

So, now, it's a little bit of everything. Give me a break, it's only been four months. But I will actually share with you such an experience so that, indeed, I can refer said imaginary person to the archives later.

Last month I did a sleep study. I'm tired all the time, and so they wanted to see if my sleep could be the problem (it seemed reasonable). They wanted to do the sleep study, thought I might have sleep apnoea but also wanted to follow with a day-long nap study to rule out narcolepsy. So...one evening I went to a motel that the hospital owns, checked in, and they proceeded to show me what I could expect. They were really great, especially considering 1) I'm not used to anyone watching me sleep except my cat, and I find that unnerving, 2) The only person at the sleep study was I guy I'd never met, and you feel a little vulnerable having a random guy watch you in your nighties, not to mention while you're unconscious, and 3) I've never been in a hospital setting. This was a far cry from it, but there would be leads, electrodes, and that oxygen monitor that looks like it escaped from the movie E.T. The guy was a respiratory therapist who gave me a very stern but friendly lecture on the importance of taking my asthma medicine regularly, put me at ease almost immediately, and joked the time away. He had to attach leads to my legs (in case they jerked--that's one sleep disorder), my chest (to monitor my heart), my head (for brainwaves), the O2 sensor (for oxygen, of course), and a weird thing that looked like a small tuning fork that went in my nose (to check my breathing). He had to use some goop that felt almost like silicon gel between my skin and the electrodes. All of the wires plugged into a black box, which then plugged into a box with a parallel connector just like a printer. Then I was able to read or watch TV, whatever I liked, as long as I told them when I was thinking of turning in. There were two beds in the room--a hospital bed and a regular double bed. Each had a nifty gel mattress designed to keep you from thrashing about as much.

The hardest thing to get used to was the sensor in my nostrils. It hung along my neck, and I hate anything that feels constricting. But it got easier, and I eventually fell asleep. I remember waking up a couple of times, having trouble getting back to sleep again because of unusual noises or the sensor, but eventually he came and woke me up at 6:30 am, a time I'm rarely conscious.

While there were no obvious apnoeas, there were a lot of hypopnoeas, which are times where my breathing got really, really shallow, making my brain panic and kick me awake. I was apparently waking up about 45 times an hour, in the preliminary findings, and this was way too much. I didn't remember waking up because the brain jettisons its short-term memory when you wake up during sleep, so it's as if it never happened. Because I didn't have clear apneas, they'd hold me over for the nap study. He picked all the leads off me, let me shower, and then sent me to get some breakfast at the motel dining room before they'd pass me off to the day staff.

They guy who took over was also funny. He explained that in the nap study they check to see how quickly you fall asleep, whether you go into REM sleep (you shouldn't during a short nap), etc. For this they wouldn't need the nose sensor (yea!) or leg electrodes, but they did have to do the head and chest again. He used this lotion with pumice to rub off my skin (ugh,) or at least the first layer, to give a better contact for the electrode. I think they put more on my head this time. He'd drawn on my head with a grease pencil first--there's just something comical about a stranger drawing designs on your head. I kept laughing, and that would mess up his lines. It was also weird in that I was generally able to be up; the black box came with a strap so I could hang it around my neck. I never thought I went to sleep but he said I did each time. It seemed like I was aware the whole time, but apparently not.

We did an evil cycle of stay up for two hours, nap for 20 minutes, wake up, stay awake for two hours, etc. He did this to me five times, so I didn't get out till 6 pm. I was a bit grumpy, but otherwise okay. The hardest part was staying awake all that time. He'd call me on the intercom whenever I lounged on the bed and he was afraid I'd drop off. I'd brought a book, a very interesting one, but I still kept getting sleepy. TV was the other option, but daytime TV is kind of scary. I think I found every 80s detective show out there, plus some episodes of M*A*S*H, which I loved as a kid but have seen so many times I can recreate them in dreams from opening to closing credits. At one point I watched a "funniest pet videos" show on Animal Planet. That was the low point. They provided lunch, and did remarkably well, considering I'm a vegetarian who's allergic to several foods.

I had to go five naps because on nap 4 I started coughing (asthma attack) and went straight into REM from the cough). You're not supposed to do that. After we were finished, I washing the goop off me and brushed as much out of my hair as I could. Then I went home and took a nice long bath.

I got my results just the other day. I don't have narcolepsy (yea! the ribbing would have been endless), but I do have sleep apnoea. Turns out I did stop breathing at one point, and the shallow breathing means I could stop at any time.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night.

The doctor told me that we could try a CPAP machine, which forces air through a mask into the airway to keep it open. He also said surgery is possible. They take out part of the back of your throat and the uvula. Ick. He then went on to suggest that losing weight could take care of it entirely, and even if it didn't, they'd want me to lose weight before any surgery anyway. I have to admire his timing. Let's see, rip my throat out or exercise. Which would I rather have, my uvula or a doughnut?...hmmm? So, now I'm trying to cut back on my eating and get more exercise.

The CPAP machine looks for all the world like my mom's 1960s bonnet hair dryer or a humidifier with a hose. The hose fits onto a mask, which is held into place with velcroed headgear. Have I mentioned I'm single? Good...no one need see me in this contraption. The woman at the med supply company chose that mask because it's safe for me (I'm allergic to latex, along with most other things out there). There was an alternate mask that just went down the front of the face without the bulkiness, but it looked like an elephant's trunk. I started laughing and said I'd rather look like I had on a cool space mask than that.

So now I need to use this whenever I sleep, even for naps. It's simple to operate. Start. Stop. There are three controls that delay the full airflow until you fall asleep. You can choose 5/10/20 minutes depending on how quickly you drop off. There's a little escape valve that lets you exhale. You can twist it around so the jet of cold air that comes out (because some of the machine's air does too) isn't going straight on a partner, etc.

I had been sleeping on my couch so the first night I tried that. My cat Spock was very amused by the jet of air coming out of the mask. I had to turn it up so he wouldn't play with it. I fell asleep with him on my stomach purring.

I woke up the next day without a sniffle, without having allergies of any sort; I could sing right off the bat and felt awake before I even got something to eat. I'm allergic to my cats and dog, so usually there are enough allergens in the house that it takes about 10 minutes and a warm shower to clear my sinuses. The air that I breathe with the machine doesn't have added oxygen or anything, but it does pass through a filter. Wow. It was just amazing. The only bad thing was the impression of the mask on my face, but it was gone by the time I went to work.

Last night I slept on the bed, no animals, newly laundered sheets, but propped up on pillows because I'd eaten at an Italian restaurant and my stomach was rebelling. I woke up this morning feeling tired, with the mask totally off. Apparently I'd moved more in bed and had shimmied out of it. Tonight I'm adjusting the straps. I have a couple of weeks to get used to it, and then I have to go back for another sleep study so they can calibrate the airflow.

Want to know more about Sleep Apnoea?

Sorry, that was pretty long, and you're probably not interested, but if you are, hopefully it was of help.