Despite feeling quite depressed today, moreso than in a long while. Despite having spent the last year struggling with a job loss, an eviction, an inability to reliably keep basic things like rent, electricity, phone service, medicine, and food taken care of, even with working two jobs and help from others. Despite having to put a family member who happened to be a cat down after thirteen years, a long illness, and issues that have added to my financial burden. Despite watching a wonderful person finally realise her dream of becoming pregnant only to have it crushed in just a few days. Despite watching, helpless, as another deals with a disease so insidious that I worry about losing him to its daemons. Despite watching my family deal with terrible health issues when I am just beginning to do so, seeing the path ahead. Despite dealing with several systems that seem bent on destroying my independence--and worse, trying to help another person deal with one that seems bent on destroying his life itself.
I haven't been writing about these things, the anxiety and feelings I have about them, because, well, I couldn't really put it into words until today. I've been hiding behind humour and links and politics and trying to seem professional. After all, I'm on a job hunt. I don't want to seem a basket case. I'm not. Even when I was the most depressed, when I didn't want to live, when I was having panic attacks daily, I kept my job, they were happy with me for the most part, and with the exception of crying in the bathroom occasionally, I managed to keep my professional life together.
I now know that a lot was going on. I had some physical issues that were contributing to the depression, like stopping breathing throughout the night and undiagnosed asthma, hormonal issues, and diabetes, along with the anxiety disorder. Those are all under control now, and I went through intensive therapy for the psychological issues. It's remarkable how well I have done emotionally this past year. I've always believed that life is a series of classes, that when we finish a period of learning, we get tested. Who knew that in taking the steps to getting healthy, and going through a period that nearly obliterated me, my friendships, etc., that I'd suddenly be given such a humdinger of an exam so soon? Makes me worry about the final. :)
But with all the bad, there's been a lot of good, too. And I know that things will get better. They have to. Life is like an ocean wave, ebbing and flowing back again. It's something we learn to navigate, sometimes well, and sometimes by the skin of our teeth.
I know that 95% of my issues right now relate to money for basic necessities. Once that's better, a lot of my anxiety will go. I know in the past I've often screwed up royally in that area--again, a product of my anxiety and some very bad coping mechanisms. Lately, though, there's just been a lot out of my control, and I think I'm going to have to start learning from those around me. Like one co-worker's husband said, anything that can be solved by money isn't really a problem. (Well, yes, it is, physically, but it's not in the long run.) Or another person I know who had to totally release control during her trip to a country and allow strangers to take care of her because she didn't know the language.
There are small things I can do. I can't take care of the licence issue today. That will have to wait for Monday, and will no doubt be some computer glitch (they didn't even have their current URL on the thing). In the meantime, I've checked the bus schedules (hah! they're not running at all on Sunday, barely today, and last call is before the sun goes down; I so want the referendum on supporting LexTran to go through) rescheduled my lesson, put a call in for a ride to the game tomorrow and my neurology consult Monday. (Ooh, don't think about that. I found out they're doing a nerve conduction test, and a friend pointed out that involves needles and electrical currents. I'm not a fan of needles.)
In the meantime, I'll focus on things like doing dishes, getting some clean clothes, and unpacking in the hopes I'll be able to keep a roof over my head. I've already spent more time with Cerys and Spock today (quality kitty/doggie spa time, as opposed to just sleeping near them) than I have in a week. Maybe the universe is just telling me to stay home and take care of my basic environment. This is the first day I haven't had some chills or fever since Wednesday--it's still managed to hit in the evening the last couple of nights. Maybe it will again (and if it keeps up, I'm calling my doctor Monday). There's a few comfort things, too, that will help, like curling up with the animals, taking a nice long bath, eating the last of my CarbSmart ice cream (did that just now) and blogging.
Eventually my home internet connexion is going to go off, although that usually takes awhile, maybe a week. I have to admit I'm glad I have it today, since I'm feeling kind of trapped here. It's one thing to not have a car. It's another to be told you can't drive through no fault of your own. For the first time, I think I understand a little of what a person with epilepsy must feel like when that card is taken away. The difference is, I should be up and running in a couple of days, when it could take years to get that licence back for someone with seizures, since it's so hard to get the right combination of meds for some forms.
Well, I think I'm going to do the whole cuddling with the animas thing for a little while, and rest, then use the beautiful sunny but cool (it's autumn, the calendar just doesn't seem to know it yet, as we seem to be experiencing an almost British summer) to get stuff done around here. Thanks for 'listening'.
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