Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
comic strip overdue media

Friday, October 12, 2007

Self-anihilation is something I do with relative ease

When I was married, I moulded my entire personality to what I thought was expected of me. I did that with my parents, with my schools, and finally in my marriage. It was only after that was over that I slowly recovered the buried personality that was me.

And yet, I'm still an incredibly passive person who doesn't feel that she deserves anything good in life. I'm not sure I'll ever escape that mindset, although I've made it my life's work to do so.

What I do know is that for months now--a year or two, even--I've been doing great emotionally. Now with the stresses of bills and Cerys' death and the continued strain my psychology places on my everyday interactions, I feel like my life is unravelling rather quickly. I realise it will get better. But in the meantime I'm having thoughts of just giving up and obliterating everything about me. I'm crying uncontrollably often. In other words, I'm slipping back into depression, and it scares me. I don't want to go down that road again. If it continues much longer I'll see about having my meds adjusted. The last couple of days have been particularly bad, and I didn't have my Lamictal. I have that now and can get back on track. But it scares me how thin a barrier there is between doing fine emotionally and suicidal thoughts can be. And the fact that the days are shortening isn't helping particularly.

The best course of action is, of course, action--action to meet my problems head-on to dispel the anxiety I'm having. That's so hard for me, though. But it's something I'm going to have to do, or I'll spiral right down. At least I did start back at the store tonight--although I was slow, we got everything done for truck night, so that was an accomplishment, mostly due to my direction. So maybe I'm not a total screwup. I'm just having a month where I feel like everything I do is for naught. I can't seem to get things right the first time, except at work, where I'm still doing fine. But I always did better in that arena than my personal life would indicate. I don't want a return to having depression drain the colour not only out of life, but endanger my livelihood as well, as it did before.

Oh, well. Here's to feeling better tomorrow. One good thing about being bipolar/borderline--emotions are like Kentucky weather, just wait a little while and it'll be completely different.

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