Ah, bliss.

This morning I woke up in a puppy pile, with Cerys cuddled up to me and Darius on top of Cerys, pressed up against me. It was remarkably comfortable, at least for me. Cerys seems somewhat dubious about this bizarre cat who insinuates himself with her at every opportunity.

It was about dawn when I awoke, so when I took Cerys out the sky was a marvelous deep bluish-purple, with the trees in stark silhouette and the marsh reflecting light. The birds were stirring, too, and the morning star and waning moon shone brightly in the sky. It was very beautiful, a time of day I usually miss. I suppose if I had money to burn I would have been up early enough for the post-Thanksgiving sales, but really, who wants to deal with the crowds, and the deals are usually gobbled up absolutely early.

Thanksgiving went very well. It was good to see my family again. My mother had been really worried because they couldn’t reach me earlier this week. At one point she sent John up to Lexington to look for me with food and gas and phone money, but he couldn’t find me. We apparently just missed each other twice. I’d left a message on Sunday that I was coming home and that I couldn’t be contacted until Wednesday, but they didn’t get the message. So like a mom, she worried. Not that I’d wish her to but it’s nice to know people get concerned if they don’t know what you’re up to. Another person forgot I was off work and when I didn’t respond to calls reached another friend who let him know what I was up to. Again, it’s nice to know that if something did happen to me, there’d be a posse of people trying to find me. I really do appreciate it, all of you.

My grandmother gets frailer and frailer with every year, and she struggled to get dinner on the table and actually accepted help, which is rare for her. She’d been up since 6 am cooking. We had a nice visit. I was struck (and she brought it up) that this might be the last Thanksgiving we have together. Her mortality seemed almost palpable. Of course, any of us could die at any moment, but when you’re in your eighties and having trouble getting around, it seems more imminent. Although we’re entirely too much alike in some ways to truly get along on a daily basis, I love her very much and a part of my life would be empty without her. I hope that her death is put off for a long while, but still, I feel a nagging and made sure to tell her I love her and otherwise have a pleasant time where we shared some quality time.

One thing that was different this year is that I partook of the feast fully for the first time in fifteen years, meaning I ate turkey and dressing and giblet gravy. I’ve been eating turkey and chicken very occasionally for a couple of months, having determined that if I were hungry enough I could kill a bird. That was always my guide; I should be responsible for my food, and be willing to kill something for it. I had not shared my renewed meat eating with someone and he’s been razzing me quite a bit. I think he’s looking for farms where they’d let me kill my own chicken or turkey just to prove I would. I haven’t described myself as a vegetarian in awhile, although I was a pesce-vegetarian (I eat fish—I’ve killed fish before) for fifteen years. In my family, chickens were raised and eaten regularly, although I don’t recall ever actually watching someone kill a chicken, although I’ve seen them right after they were killed.

I found myself really contemplating whether or not I could kill a bird last night as I lay awake in bed. I was strangely not sleepy although I’d had very little rest the night before, and I think I only managed to fall asleep because of the BuSpar I take at night. I really imagined the process as graphically as possible—the blood, the noise, etc. I don’t think I could ring a chicken’s neck—that takes skill, and I’d want to kill it as humanely as possible. I could chop the head off, although with my penchant for accidents I’d as likely get my hand or fingers trying to do it (and I suppose some would say it served me right). I do think I could shoot a duck without any real trouble, although of course that’s killing from a distance, so maybe it wouldn’t really count. If this seems really gruesome, just remember that the poultry in neat little packages at the store does come from something alive, something that once had a heart beat, even a modicrum of personality. We’ve become divorced from our food, and even worse, factory farming makes it inhumane how they are treated before they die for our sustenance. I definitely prefer local produce or free-ranging birds if I can get them.

I really examined whether I was rationalising things or if I were thinking them out and coming up with a valid conclusion. In the end I decided the latter. I would follow through with that test if given it, and that would settle it once and for all. Of course, I’m the one who went hysterical for nearly an hour when I accidentally hit a cat (I suppose that means I could eat cats, since I have killed one, right?) So we’ll see. In the meantime, I may continue to eat poultry occasionally, and try to make sure the bulk was humanely raised. I still want to ‘walk gently’ in terms of resources, to use a sort of New Agey term.

That conundrum being settled (at least for now, I may vacillate some more, I often do), back to Thanksgiving itself. My mom gave me some jars of tomatoes and green beans she’d put up this summer, some canned fruit and pinto beans. Then she headed back home to get some rest before working another night shift. I stayed and visited with my grandmother (and her spoiled rotten tiny dog, Beau) until nearly dark. We ate again and that’s when I think I nearly overdid it. I took some pie back home with me and some fruit the church had brought her. Then I headed back to Lexington. Oddly enough I was more relaxed driving back in the dark than I’d been on the way home. I guess there’s always a little trepidation at the thought of family gatherings and whether they’ll go well. But our visit went really well, and I’d gotten down there pretty early and been able to help a little with dinner, so that was good.

Once I got back to Lexington I stopped at a Wal-Mart supercentre (I knew they were open from the circulars in the paper) and filled out their long job application on the gizmo they provided which had an awkward keyboard and trackball, but I eventually got through the thing. I checked the price of new tyres (about $35-80 for my vehicle) and managed to find a pair of pumps with heels I can walk in for about $7 for interviews and black walking shoes that would be good for normal days at work for about $10. My old ones had the sole pulling away, and my dress shoes (if you can call Mary Janes dress shoes) were all scuffed and had lost all cushion and were hurting my feet. I guess they’re both about three years old so new ones were overdue. Finally I got home, but I remained productive.

I went through some job listings last night and got several leads on part-time and full-time work that might help. I figure working a job from about 5pm-11pm several nights a week and Saturday would go a long way to help me financially, plus I really want to be working full-time again (if not in one job, then at least several ?). Tomorrow I think I’ll hit several stores in the area to see if I can apply for seasonal work; they appear to still be hiring.

Last night I watched a mystery on PBS and then straightened up the house quite a bit and attended to the aquarium, which needed a lot of water. I did the dishes, got the recyclables together, and rearranged some things, like putting a light over by the aquarium that I can have shine down on it (my aquarium light has died). I’m having trouble with my clock, which got off of level when I put a nail in the wall below it and now I’m having trouble keeping it running, but I’ll eventually get it going.

I did have a nasty surprise at some point when I stepped on a piece of glass that was inexplicably in the living room. It bled profusely, and I had to get my first aid kit from the car. I managed to bleed on the linoleum and on the carpet. Anyone know how to get blood off carpet? It’s not very much, but I don’t want it to set, either.

Today I’m going to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but beyond that I haven’t made any plans. I’m interested to see what they’ve done with the movie. I’m going to a matinee. I can’t remember the last time I went to the cinema. I feel like I’m being a little indulgent, but one’s got to have a little fun sometime, right? I’m in good shape right now in terms of food, phone, and gas—I went and got that gas card and still have enough for another fill up, plus the trip home didn’t use too much, as it’s only about 45 minutes away, so one movie won’t break the bank, hopefully.

I started writing this at dawn and now the sun is up and shining. I’ll post this when next I’m at a computer with an internet connexion. I wish I could afford to get one; it would help with some of my work and I’m more likely to be on the computer than, say, watch TV. I miss being connected. Insight has some very affordable plans, and if I can get another job (or just get a little more caught up in some of my finances) I might be able to justify getting that and a phone. Having a phone that I can actually chat on without worrying about ploughing through minutes would be great, and of course, useful in the job hunting process. But every time I think I’m at a point to afford it, something else really takes precedence, like medicine, doctor visits, or groceries. ?

Well, I hope your Thanksgiving went well, assuming you celebrate it. I’ll return on Monday. Until then, this is the Rabid Librarian, signing off. It’s time to get going and pick up some medicine before going to the movie. Take care.