Food represents security and comfort to me; it always has had more emotional baggage than merely being sustenance. I've known that for some time, and certainly anyone looking at me might guess that as well. But when I get low on food two things happen, both apparently a kind of panic thing. One, I eat more. No, for all my ability to hoard things, I can't do it with food. I can't eat just a little every day. Instead, I eat too much, and then go totally without. Which brings us to the second thing...I spend money, mainly because I feel panicked without food. Almost every time I've bounced my checking account, it's been over groceries or prepared food. Which is sort of sad, since I could get a lot more groceries for the amount I've paid in fees. Sigh.
But something to watch in the future.
Money also represents a certain amount of security for me, but if I have extra, I can't seem to hold on to it. Instead, I nickel and dime myself to death, buying magic beans.
This seems to indicate that I don't really want security, that I'd rather float adrift admidst the drama of my life. It must be the reason I continually mess up things, why I make 'mistakes'.
It amazes me the more I realise or have my motivations pointed out to me that I am one really wily person, if I could just tap into those powers of manipulation, reinventing history, justifying, lying, and all the other things I do for good. :) I mean, I do them without effort. On the other hand, I wouldn't spend nearly the effort that I do to avoid things that are unpleasant. For someone who is somewhat lazy, I spend way too much effort in being lazy. :)
Just a peek into my psyche.
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