Unshelved	by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum

Happy Birthday to Zabet!

I sometimes forget she's so much younger than I am--she's been through more in a few years than most get through in a lifetime and done pretty well, I might add (and I'm not just saying that to keep my DSL (see 4.27.02)).

Oh, and on an added note...

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So blogs Buns the cat, who decided my keyboard would be the best place for a cuddle. :) Maybe he was trying to wish her happy birthday, too. After all, she made sure he was taken care of when his butt cracked open. (Long story. Many vet bills.)

Oh, and happy Bealtaine, for those of you who are of the Pagan persuasion!

Eilir raved on 22:37

I've decided Mondays are to be quiz days...

Let's face it. Mondays sort of suck. So, I like to unwind with a few quizzes. I did try to take a Russian Babylon 5 quiz, but even with Zabet's help, I failed miserably. [Note to those Russian departments out there in academic land: teach more science fiction vocabulary!] So, instead I turned to, what else, but Sailor Moon?

Which Sailor Scout are you??

I'm Sailor Jupiter (no surprise there).
(Note: You may have to do the addition in your head (hope you're not Serena!)

Eilir raved on 21:33

Ever wonder why librarians are sexy?

Eilir raved on 21:13

Could KFC be using subliminal messages in their commercials?

A friend and I are both pesce-vegetarians, meaning that we do occasionally eat fish, but otherwise eat no meat. (Think of it as mediaeval vegetarianism; by definition fish were not meat for purposes of Lent or Friday meals because they did not reproduce through normal sexual union). We have a simpler definition; we only eat what we ourselves would feel comfortable killing. I've fished before. I limit my fish to a few times a month at most, and include a prayer of thanksgiving for the life of the fish before my meals. I don't eat lobster though, or octopus--they seem a bit more intelligent. I could probably kill a goose (I've been attacked before by them) but only in self-defence. This may seem odd, but it's the way I related to my food--I think in an era of convenience shopping we've strayed to far from the actual cycle of the food chain. This is one reason that I do not have trouble with hunting per se, so long as as much of the animal is used as possible. Deer hunting for antlered heads to hang as trophies, in my opinion, is sick. Deer hunting to supplement a family's livelihood and cull herds that might otherwise overpopulate and starve is a part of the natural order of things, I believe.

That said, it's bizarre that both of us over the past few weeks have been having intense cravings for chicken. Whether it's a large fried breast or sizzling Tandoori chicken, we both are practically salivating. He hasn't eaten chicken in over 15 years; I haven't for 11. Weird. It's almost as if some ad is going, "eat the chicken, what can it hurt?"

It turns out I did accidentally eat some the other day. I had asked one of my coworkers and I thought I was getting tuna but it turned out to be chicken salad. Now, even when I ate chicken I didn't care for chicken salad--I'm not sure why; I put in a bite and came out with the grizzly gross stuff that I would never dreamed of putting into the salad. It left me feeling quite sick, even though I spit it out immediately. It certainly didn't measure up to the visions in my head of chicken.

Well that's enough of my weirdness for the night. I'm going to feed kitties and go to bed. See you later.

Eilir raved on 23:53

Ah, the joys of duct tape...

When I was in the Society for Creative Anachronism many, many moons ago (strictly speaking, 1980-1991), duct tape was seen as more essential on trips than bread. These teens would agree--they wore excellently-crafted duct tape to their prom.

Today was incredibly stressful but really good in its on way. My friend Zabet, as a birthday gift to me, sat down and is helping me go over my finances and make some sense out of them. Oh, hell. She's actually taking the whole pile of this month's goodies and going through them to figure out what I can do to get back on track. I get incredible anxiety over bills and other 'necessary' kinds of things. I've spent years ducking responsibility and pretty much setting myself up for failure, and I can't continue doing this. I'm so far in the hole now, though, it's hard to dig back out.

So, the verdict? In maybe 2-3 months, I can take care of the most pressing issues, then start paying off .the long-term debt. We're going to try to keep from having to put me in bankruptcy. But, things are going to be tight. I called today to cancel my cable. We're going to pay just the taxes on my car (a whopping $8.99, which gives you an idea of its worth), and I won't drive it until I can afford to keep up my insurance, repairs, gas, etc. Actually, she's advising me to just junk it, and I tend to agree, but John, my mom and I have put so much into this car I don't want to get rid of it until I can talk to them--I promised to do so. She also wants me to use just my prepaid cell phone (which I did for a long time) and drop the phone line/computer connexion. I'm still hoping to keep those, I must admit--now that I won't be driving, it'll be more important to have those to keep contact with the outside world. But I might have to pay more in the long run if I cancel, since my DSL equipment came free with the connexion. Sigh. But on the other hand, I made this hell for myself, so I really can't complain, and I did ask for help, so I have to take it in however its given.

She put things in piles, came up with a timeframe, running through June, for me to make payments (and threatened me, rightfully so, if I were to make any 'unapproved' expenditures). If you think this is harsh, you haven't seen my fianances. They're pretty much in a shambles. It's amazing to me that I can do okay at work (although, to be honest, I have some checks and balances there, mainly a fiscal office) but I can't seem to do basic things like balance my cheque book or send off bills on time. So, she's acting as financial counselor/overseer for awhile. As much anxiety and shame I had considering I had to have someone (much younger, I might add) go through the mess, I feel a little more in control. I have a to do list of people to contact, but she took care of some things, and she was pretty gentle about it (a paraphrase: 'I know you've been poor for years, and you haven't had what you wanted, but I'm going to ask you to dig deep and find the aescetic, the zen part of you, and even though you're going to lose things for awhile, eventually you'll be able to have them again when you can afford them.) I was going over the next couple of years on paper later, and I could see having my debt (except for the student loans) paid off by 2005, with some savings beside. It's a start anyway. :|

Eilir raved on 23:55

Ever had one of those Friday evenings where it's all you can do to drag your migrained-self into your home and collapse?

I did that for awhile tonight. To be absolutely precise, I didn't have a migraine. I had the world's worst tension-sinus headache (impending storms following impending -- but thankfully sputtery -- gloom). So I came home, went outside and let my dog roll maniacally in the grass (hey, it's a lesson in one-mindfulness, at least until she rolls straight into my inflamed sinuses/nose with a full butt butt), then watched the duck pair that hangs around our place graze at my birdfeeder. (Who ever heard of being able to duck-watch from an apartment? Ah...I love living near a reservoir/woods/creek/other places of wild incursion that nevertheless do not foster coyotes). After a couple of hours of documentaries on Pharaohs of Aegypt, I'm finally ready to get up and play on the computer.

You expect my Friday night to be more exciting? You haven't been paying attention. Still, it was kind of nice to call it a week and know that I don't have to be up for anything other than cartoons tomorrow.

Since I need to blow off some steam, I took the following quiz:

you have an ominosity quotient of seven. you are as ominous as the creators of this quiz. which terrifies us. find out your ominosity quotient.

The person who wrote this is actually even stranger than anyone else I know, and that says a lot, believe me! I'll probably put a couple of more quizzes in before playing The Sims. Hope everyone out there has a great weekend.

Eilir raved on 23:40

Want to see what you look like as a Lego?!

Try the Mini-mizer yourself!

Eilir raved on 01:07

Not that there was any doubt...

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

After all, I know lots of people think Bill Gates is evil, but I can't help admiring a geek who had the last laugh.

Eilir raved on 00:48

Finally, a Friday Five!

I always mean to do a Friday Five. I always forget (hey, it's the end of the week, what do you expect?) So, since I'm up, I've patiently bided my time until they could post the latest questions. Being naturally verbose, I unfortunately wasn't the first to post, though. Oh, and I know, I'm giving way too much info, but the whole point is to get to know one another, right? Here goes:

1. What are your hobbies?

Gardening, role-playing games, yoga, genealogy, dead languages, writing, forensics, and anything to do with Aegyptology. Oh, and reading. Yeah, gee, how could I forget that? I guess it's kind of like breathing to me--I don't think to mention it.

2. Do you collect anything? If so, what?

When I was a kid I collected stamps and rocks.

Now I collect: carved wooden boxes, books, comic books, wayward animals, coloured bottles, states I've visited (listing, not the whole thing, obviously--they'd never fit in my house), and odd (not valuable, just odd) coins.

Things I'd like to collect: scented geraniums, ivies, and stamps (again) and rocks (again). I have to be careful though; I tend to hoard random stuff, so I'm trying to cut down my 'collecting'.

3. Is there a hobby you're interested in, but just don't have the time/money to do?

I'd love to travel more. I'd like to visit all 50 states and several countries. So far I'm at about 27 for the states and 0 for getting out of the country (and I'm an Air Force brat, probably the only one who never got out of the States!) I'd like to learn beading, but I've lost some of the dexterity needed to do it well.

4. Have you ever turned a hobby into a moneymaking opportunity?
I am not what you would call an entrepreneur. If I had to make money out of it, it wouldn't be fun. I did work as an assistant manager in a comic store, though. It got me lots of comics. :)

When I was married I raised hamsters, and we sold a few back to the pet store. We raised giant fluffy 'teddy bear' style hamsters--bigger than I've ever seen, not on purpose, but they were like small guinea pigs. Unfortunately we lost a female because her babies were just too big and one got caught coming out. I'd been taking a nap and come out to find her dead. I went hysterical; someone else flushed the orphan baby hamsters (which traumatised me further). Shortly thereafter we found homes for the hamsters and got cats, both of which were fixed. No more breeding animals for me except in my aquarium!

You know, people have asked me why on earth I tried to help the squirrel whose bite gave me the idea for the name "Rabid Librarian". When I think about it, I was always one of those kids who was overly sensitive to animals in danger. I cried continuously during "Lassie". I was barred from watching a Saturday morning show called "Run Joe Run" for the same reason. I was traumatised in elementary school by the book/movie Sounder although I own a copy and think it's a wonderful piece of literature that had a long-standing effect on how I look at society and racism. I have never watched Old Yeller. My mother used to distract me when she'd see an animal dead on the road; it still bothers me a lot, and I say a little prayer for them. I've been truly hysterical twice that I remember, once with the hamster and once with a black cat I hit one Friday the 13th at midnight who died in my arms.

At the same time, I sometimes lack the emotions I should have about people. It's like I just shut off. When I've had people in my family die, I won't cry except long after everything's over. I can still remember watching Dances with Wolves and having to leave when the wolf and horse are killed, but happy when the soldiers who killed them were. Granted, that's fiction, but still...sometimes I think my priorities are a little screwed. It's not that I don't feel the emotions, not really. I'm not a sociopath. It's just it hurts so much, so deeply, that I can't express it well. But animals--and children--have always brought out my protective/crying side.

5. Besides web-related stuff (burbs, rings, etc.), what clubs do you belong to?
Clubs...well, I don't really think of being a member of a club. I am a member and senior council member for the Rosemoon Guild, a pagan organisation here in Lexington. I'm president of the Bluegrass Medical Libraries consortium and belong to both the Kentucky Library Association and Medical Library Association. I suppose I'm technically still a member of Phi Alpha Theta and Alpha Lambda Delta (no these aren't sororities, they're academic societies).

Going back to old high school annuals, I've been in 4-H, Future Homemakers of America (now FCCLA), Foreign Language Club, National Honour Society, and our high school academic bowl team.

In college I was a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, something called the CIA (not what you think; it stood for Campus Information Association, was extremely short-lived, and as far as I know, had no real purpose other than to give computer geeks a home), the University of Kentucky Library and Information Science Student Organisation, the UK History Grad Students Association (or whatever it's called) and the American Library Association.

I'm not into much right now. I've thought about joining a book club. Or joining one of those Civil War reconstructionist groups. At one point I thought about joining the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) just because I'm eligible, and it'd give me a good resource for doing genealogy. (Being less mature than I am now) I thought it'd be kind of fun, me and my unconventional self in the ranks of one of the most stereotypically snobbish groups in America. Turns out they get a bum rap. I found out that the DAR is actually pretty hip these days. I still might join, it just wouldn't be quite as rebellious now. I actually found out I'd fit in pretty well. Sure I'm a liberal pagan, etc., etc. I also happen to be pretty patriotic (I actually salute the flag during parades, something I only seem to share with veterans from my grandfather's era) and interested in promoting the principles upon which the country was founded.

Hmm...answering five questions is more work than I thought. See you next Friday.

Eilir raved on 00:19

Am I a diarist or a blogger?

Hmmm....being new to blogging, I didn't really know there was a difference. I guess I'm both, I'm just not sure whether the emphasis is on my life or the things I come across--I've tried to dish out ample helpings of both. I need unbiased opinion...comment if you will, please. I'm such a stickler for things, I'd hate to go add this page to the World of Blogs if it's really belongs on Diarist.net, right? I'm leaning towards the diarist bit...after all, if this were a blog, you'd think the world revolved around me. ;)

Eilir raved on 23:15

What I am (according to the test):

I am Mr Do. I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will crush you. With apples. What Video Game Character Are You?

What I'd rather be (simply because of years of listening to 'green elf is about to die'):

I am a Gauntlet Adventurer. I strive to improve my living conditions by hoarding gold, food, and sometimes keys and potions. I love adventure, fighting, and particularly winning - especially when there's a prize at stake. I occasionally get lost inside buildings and can't find the exit. I need food badly. What Video Game Character Are You?

Heh. Gauntlet is the reason I've kept my old Nintendo.

Why am I running amok with silly quizzes/games? One, I need to let off some stress. Two, my phone got cut off today (that was yet another oops), but I made arrangements for them to turn it back on with a promise to pay next week when I get paid. For some reason, my DSL connexion's fine, but I still can't call anybody, so I figured I'd play on the Internet/send off e-mail.

Oy. My life. And the worst thing is, I make it myself.

Eilir raved on 22:47

Cats vs. Dogs

Okay, this is one of those e-mails that make it around the Internet continually (and I have no idea of its origin). But it's great, so I thought I'd put it here for future reference whenever I need a laugh. I especially love the cat's remarks. Hee. My friend Zabet is very much a cat person, but given her latest post, maybe she'll start appreciating dogs' less devious ways more. :)

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try
this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to
vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no
good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however
it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of
thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass
tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this
is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement
in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a
matter of time...

Eilir raved on 11:29

Today's Horoscope is Unfortunately Right On....

There's something in your life that you've been neglecting, and now is the time to take care of it. Others may be celebrating their independence, but Aries begins to fall deeper and deeper into a bad habit. Self-consciousness only increases your discomfort, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you're unhappy with how things are, this is the time to change them. Procrastination is indeed one of your worse vices at the moment -- but it can be overcome.

(c) 2002 Kelli Fox and Astrology.com (TM). All rights reserved.

I can't tell you right now how mortifyingly right this is. I'm still dazed and confused. I'll write more later, probably edit this entry.

---------------------------------------------
Okay, having been restored by Mediterranean food (more on that later), many phone calls, etc., here's the skinny: on Wednesday I got a call from a collection agency explaining to me that I had $96,000 in student loans in default and was there anyway I could whip a payment of $70,000 (the actual amount needed, the rest being fees, etc.) to them by Friday. If not, they were talking wage garnishment, refund freezes, and possible litigation.

If you keep up with this blog, you know that I can't even afford a car that works on a regular basis. As Zabet put it, if I had $70,000 laying about, I'd probably be in Aruba. They asked for info like how much money I had in the bank, what kind of car I drove, what my medical costs were. I think the woman I talked to realised that I was not going to pull this money out of any existing resources.

This whole thing floored me, because in the last few months I've actually been trying to become fiscally responsible by (finally) consolidating my student loans. The amount seemed suspiciously close to the amount I was supposed to have consolidated and upon which I have begun repayment.

So...on Thursday I called the Department of Education (be sure you do this on a speaker phone when you can do computer work, etc. during the wait). The consolidation people verified that my loan had been consolidated to the tune of $86,000 (there were some Perkins loans in that as well). Then I found the people who deal with defaulted loans, and they agreed with the figures. Apparently the Perkins loans were paid off, but the consolidation people had not sent the money for the Stafford loans, or some sort of thing. So, tomorrow, I need to check back and see what the problem was, and in the meantime, everyone's sending me a copy of the paperwork that shows what got consolidated, what's left (there are still a couple of other agencies from where the loans need to be consolidated). Once everything's consolidated, everybody should be happy, and since it's linked to my income, I can still live in something other than my ratty car. At one point, I tried calling the number the woman gave me and it came up a dud. I was beginning to think maybe someone was trying to do a scam/identity theft (ha! as if that would get them anywhere with mine!) but it turned out to be okay; I was just so rattled I'd taken the number down wrong.

My advice to students out there: if you borrow, borrow as little as possible. Look at me...I owe as much as many doctors and I make just above $22.000 a year. I am a poster child for someone whose master's degree should pay them more but the job I found didn't. The full amount I borrowed never really seemed real, especially during those years where I was working two jobs and making $2000 a year during school and honestly couldn't have eaten otherwise. If you do borrow, keep up with where your loans are assiduously. I've had loans sold from one company to another down a chain of five or six. There is a place now for you to check your loans online, at http://www.nslds.ed.gov. You need the PIN that they send you to get access (I have to hunt that up, too). That's a huge improvement over the years of paper I've accumulated.

After the woman called (I was at work, it was towards the end of the day, the time you start wrapping up things) I was so stunned I had to go outside for a bit and try to do some breathing exercises/run through all my DBT skills. I mean, all I could think of was that I had no future (she'd stressed several times that if I couldn't come up with the money, I'd basically be having my paycheque taken away from me forever), and those loans all get cancelled if I die. Not the best of thoughts, I know. I'm sure they're used to having to take a pretty hard line with people who default on loans, but for someone who's been dealing with depression and anxiety issues, normal bills can seem overwhelming. This seemed hopeless, even more so, because if I had tried to explain my reaction, it would have just seemed like a dramatic or lame excuse. Somehow I don't think asking them if suicide is an acceptable settlement will work. But, I refused to give in, and then I made the call that brought the problem to light. Facing your fears is sometimes the only thing you can do. I really didn't like the alternative. I'm still scared by the situation (hey, emotions, you can't necessarily prevent them, just deal with them), but at least I feel like I'm in a little more control, which is good.

I know that some of you out there are thinking, hey, that's so pathetic. Well, I hope you're never really in a situation to understand. A few of you may really understand what it's like to feel like your world is crashing down on you at any given moment. I hope things are okay with you. I hope that this will slowly get better for me, now that I am trying to get some control over it.

Thanks to Zabet and Hubby for taking me out to eat (hey, sometimes it's bad to eat emotionally, but shocks are best handled with some food in your system) and cheering me up. We decided to try a place near my house called Aladdin. It's a little hole-in-the-wall Mediterranean restaurant and it was W O N D E R F U L. I have never tasted such great falafel. I got a vegetarian sampler and had to bring most of it back home for later--moussaka, hummus, stuffed grape leaves, cabbage rolls, an eggplant soup, faroush (I think that's what it was called--a wonderful salad with olive oil, mint, and spices), and baklava--you can't ask for a better meal. The restaurant was clean, the service was great, the waiter was cute, and we wanted to take the beaded chandelier home with us. It is now our 'new' place to eat, since our 'old' place, the late, lamented Taj Mahal (Indian food, obviously) went out of business. If you're ever in the Lexington area. They're in the phone book, at Woodhill Centre, and they do takeout as well!

Eilir raved on 21:57

And speaking of Britain...

Here's my favourite news item from earlier today: Sheep held in ransom gambol. If ever I had doubts about my Scottish heritage, they've been laid to rest. I must admit, as a gardener, I quite understand his point of view.

Eilir raved on 01:49

How good a British citizen are you?

Congratulations. You are a model citizen who will doubtless prove a fine asset to the community. In fact, one could scarcely believe that you weren't born here, old chap.

Gee. I even knew where to fish! Not bad for a measly American...(Okay, having a classical education helped with most everything but the cricket, and really, after learning quidditch, cricket's easy.)

Eilir raved on 01:46

And there was much rejoicing...

I just e-mailed an article related to latex allergy and safer sex, right on deadline. Yea! It was a little more daunting than I thought it would be, mainly because the last time I researched to topic there was hardly anything out there, and new products have come down the line in that time. I had to send it on in so Zabet could incorporate it into the website she's designing for her class (part of the assigment had to do with collaborating with others.) Heh heh. I'm a collaborator. Makes it sound like we're taking over the world or something.

Hmmm...I think it's time for sleep. That made even less sense than usual. Good night. :)

Eilir raved on 01:24

Are you fluffy?

One of the problems with being pagan is that there are a lot of different types of pagans, and depending on what sort of experience others have had with people calling themselves pagan, you may either be seen as evil incarnate or some fluffy airhead. I came out at -18, right under the "not only are you not fluffy, but you positively delight in scaring the fluffies. Now that's not very nice, is it ;-)" but definitely not fluffy. Which makes me happy. I've been referred to as a fundamentalist pagan, mainly because I think reason and experience should be applied to one's faith. Oh, well...oh, and yes, I do make fun of many of the books at the local bookstore, particularly the ones on "Witta" (supposedly Irish Wicca, which seems an odd name as there's no 'w' in Irish!)

Eilir raved on 00:36

Go, Lynn Johnston!

I love 'For Better or For Worse'. I was catching up on the big break-up between Elizabeth and her boyfriend Eric (yes, comics, whether in the paper, online, or in comic books, are basically like soap operas, even when they have spaceships) and found this one. It's definitely a good angle on relationships. So nice to know I'm a "woman of experience".!

Eilir raved on 17:52

Check it out

I've eaten, but my blood sugar was a little low, so I feel a little "swimmy"--you know, it's like you fall asleep and next thing you know your arm has moved from point A to point B. So, I figured I should sit down for a bit before walking to work.

I found a great website last night, the Green Man Review. It reviews various forms of literature and music. I've volunteered to be a reviewer, so if I'm accepted I'll get some professional writing experience. They don't pay you but if they send you a book or CD to review, you get to keep it. That sounds great....

Also I found a link to a band in Oregon called Skye. I love Celtic music and I told Zabet about them since she and hubby are planning on a move to Oregon. I promised I'd put the link here so she could check it out. You should too, if you're in to traditional music.

Well, off to work I go. The recent turmoil has given me new incentive to get there early. :)

Eilir raved on 08:24

Ah, the Infamous April 19th

Alright, some of you are going to think this is superstitious nonsense, but I've seen too much stuff in my life to discount "mere coincidence". I never know what to expect on this date, so I approach it with some trepidation. Why? Well, in recent years, the incident at Ruby Ridge happened, and the Branch-Davidian standoff in Waco reached its fiery conclusion on this day. The Oklahoma City bombing happened on April 19. So did the Columbine High School shootings. On a side note, April 19th was the date when the Roman empire suffered its two worst military disasters. In one, the emperor was killed in the midst of a Yugoslav marsh. In another, the emperor was captured, killed, and his body was set up in a Zoroastrian temple for all to see. I can still remember my history teacher telling us this, and I said April 19th? and explained the modern "coinicidences". We decided maybe the Romans were right that some dates were cursed. (Hey, they also fed sacred chickens and watched them to determine if an attack/war/battle would be auspicious. Sounds silly to a modern "scientific" viewpoint. I might add,however, that they conquered the known using this method. And of course, tomorrow is the birthday of Adolph Hitler. I don't know much about astrology, but it is the cusp between Aries (the sign of leaders, people of impulsive action, etc.) and Taurus (the sign of materialism). Maybe that has something to do with it.

Eilir raved on 08:19

Ha--lest I get too much into feeling sorry for myself--

So, given the preceding, and the fact that I, hmm...how to put it politely, " just became acquainted with a monthly visitor?" I was having a good cry when my cat, intent on being fed, jumped up to the bathroom sink, climbed up my back, and meowed loudly in my ear, so I stopped crying and fed him. I think this is why people with pets live longer....:) [And even now, my dog is coming to thank me for her food --one small dog kiss, followed with rolling on the floor--] Somehow that makes the night more tolerable.

Eilir raved on 23:02

A note to D--

You know, the more I actually pay attention to the reality of myself, the less I like what I see. I really snowed myself about what a great person I was.

On a related note, I got a verbal warning today regarding my absences. You know how you've said that I wouldn't be able to hold a job anywhere else? Well, I'm pushing the envelope on this one, too.

The good think about seeing the truth is that now that I'm really looking, maybe I can start changing it. As much as I want to curl up into a little ball and make the world go away, I can't. I know that I CAN make myself better, and can get to a point where I'm maybe contributing a little more than I'm taking out of the world. But I'm thinking that I have to start pretty much from square one. THAT'S one of the 'what elses' I have to learn--that I've been living in the negatives, that maybe I'm floating just under zero, and if I want to make it into the positives, I'm going to have to really work at it. That makes regular exercise seem easy by comparison. Exercising my soul is even more important, and I'm beginning to think it's much harder. But I refuse to give up trying.

Thank you for your help. I love you, and I'm so very grateful that you've tried to help me. Please don't give up on me, either, no matter how much I sometimes disappoint you.


I surprised myself today by taking my tendency towards inaction to a fairly despicable level. One of my neighbours told me last week, while I was sick, that he and his wife were breaking their lease and moving back to L.A. because he couldn't find a job here, that no one wanted to hire him, and that they didn't like him. They were leaving, taking just their clothes, and wanted to know if I wanted any of the furniture; I told them no, I didn't have any room for any, but thanked them. They said they couldn't take their year-old border collie, Daisy with them, that they would need to find a home for her, and asked if I knew anyone who could take her, but I didn't.

I told myself that it wasn't any of my business whether they had told the apartment management they were leaving. I would have, even if I were going to break the lease, but it sounded fishy that they weren't taking their furniture. They had said they were going to leave on Sunday, but I actually haven't seen their cars since Friday. I didn't see Daisy at the window, either, but I couldn't be 100% sure that she wasn't there. I told D about it, and he agreed it sounded like they were skipping out. We both thought there may have been some reason they were doing it so quickly. He thought that ethically I should tell the apartment people.

I said I didn't think that they would have just left Daisy, but some people do that with animals, especially cats. That's what worried me.

Five days later, we're talking on the phone, and he asks me if I'd checked on Daisy. "No. She would have barked if she'd been left alone," I'd said. It sounded lame when I did. "But you didn't check?" he asked. "No." "So you don't really know. She could be languishing inside and you decided you weren't going to check, didn't you?" "Well, yes". Utter silence. I asked if he were still there. He said yes but that there was someone screaming outside and he needed to see what was going on, and told me he'd talk to me later and hung up.

I sat there. I hadn't checked. Hadn't wanted to get involved. Surely no one would do that, just leave a dog alone in an abandoned apartment, right? Maybe I was just obsessing on the idea because it was remotely possible. I'd known the couple at least superficially for over a year. I wasn't too sure about him, but I couldn't see her just leaving the dog shut up. But then, I realised she'd probably do whatever he told her to. Just like I had been with my ex. Just like I was being now. And my dog and theirs had played together for a year and I hadn't so much as checked up on the dog, had rationalised it all away, felt no real emotion about it, and still hadn't told anyone they'd said they were leaving.

One of the maintenance men lives next to their apartment. He was grilling out and was talking on the phone. I went over and told them that they'd said they were moving, that I hadn't seen the cars, and that they'd said that Daisy wasn't going with them, and that I was afraid they may have left her shut up. Was there any way he could check? So we went over and went in. No furniture. No clothes. And thankfully, no Daisy. But they did leave her food, collar, and kennel, along with a phone that was still operational and a cable receiver, plus random stuff and a very dirty kitchen. Oh, and a box of shotgun shells. All in all, it could have been worse--it'll take some cleaning but nothing's destroyed. We can't figure out the furniture; neither of us saw it go out. He said it had come from Rent-A-Centre fairly recently. Maybe they took it back. Maybe. In any case, I guess that's the furniture they wanted to give me. Hmmm...

I suppose it all could have been innocent--the guy'd said they couldn't take their furniture with them, and if it were rented that would make sense. But they must not have taken Daisy--they wouldn't have left her stuff--her toys, even her food. Nor would they have given her away without that stuff. She probably went to the pound. Now that I know that, it bothers me, because it would be a shock for her. I think it'd be easy to find a home for her--she'd be great for kids. I certainly couldn't take her; I have four animals already, and Cerys, being sedate, couldn't really deal well with that much energy in another dog. Daisy tended to harrass her when she just wanted to chew grass. But I don't understand why it bothers me now, but I basically dissociated myself so much from the whole thing (I really wish they hadn't told me, and I suppose I acted like they didn't) to such a point that I couldn't really picture her in the apartment.

I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I did it, and ashamed that after all these years I'm still doing it. I thought I'd gotten past the living in a fantasy world to escape an unhappy homelife. It seems the more I dig and try to get better, the more I find that's rotten to begin with. I used to think that I was basically a decent person who just had trouble coping with life. Now I'm not so sure. But while I can't change my past choices, I can still work to do better in the future. I guess that's all anyone can do.

Eilir raved on 22:32

Well, maybe I'm not so truly competent in my chosen field. I received a warning regarding my absences today. Between the doctor's appointments, having late mornings, and being sick, it's been difficult to get all my hours in. They're very happy with my work; they're just concerned about the irregularities in my schedule, which I understand. My boss and I had a long talk this afternoon. She's a nurse, and she realised as we were talking that part of the trouble I have in the mornings may be my blood sugar dipping down. Apparently I've been taking my medicine at the wrong time. It's not supposed to be taken with a meal, but about 30 minutes before. My boss recommended a doctor at UK who specialises in diabetes. It sounded like he might prescribe some of the patient education and nutritional counseling that I need. I don't know when to check my blood sugar. I know pretty much how to eat, but I don't know how to incorporate my vegetarianism and food allergies in the mix. And much of the info isn't something I can just research because it has to be designed for each individual. Part of my trouble is that I'm not diabetic (yet). I have insulin resistance, which makes your sugar go low, but not high, so the medical people don't treat it as that serious, even though newer research shows it can lead to diabetes and heart disease. And while I know that theoretically I could go low enough to pass out (and I have been low before, at 27, where the normal's 70-100), I've been in a kind of denial. For several months I stopped taking the Glucophage entirely, and as a result I put on about 40 lbs and I've been zigzagging with my sugar levels, although not to the extent I was before the diagnosis, since I've been eating more regularly and generally better. It's stupid, I know, and I'm tired of feeling bad, but I'm also tired of taking medicines and doing this, that, and the other thing, and I know that's unreasonable, but I think everyone who deals with a chronic condition goes through it at some point. I know I have one friend with epilepsy and another with high-blood pressure who had to have her heart repaired. They both went through rough times because of that. But they're both doing better now. If I can just stick this out, I can, too. Then maybe I won't become diabetic, and can avoid the problems that so many of my family have died of.

Oh, and the car's still not working. I noticed that when I turned the key, the fuel pump noise I'm used to didn't seem to happen. I hope that I was just having trouble hearing it. But you know, maybe I should just get a plan of action going and act as if I don't really have a car. I can get to my appointments on the bus. The buses in Lexington run seven days a week now (they used to not on Sunday), so I can get to the game. I live across the street from my pharmacy and a block away from work. I have a bike (which needs to be tuned-up, but that's a lot cheaper than a car), and I want to get more walking in now that the weather's pretty. When I was in school I went for years without a car, with very little hardship. Granted, I lived closer to a grocery then. But at least the apartments have laundry rooms, so I'm better off there. :) And I'm within a mile of two Krogers--when I lived downtown the nearest grocery was past the cemetery (a very large cemetery), over a viaduct, and then about another half mile through a rough area of town.

So, even though I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, I think I'll muddle through. Really, what choice do I have? I don't want to become more of a burden on my mother (who's been channelling money into the car and helping me out) or my friends (two of which I owe money and one of which I just get psycho with occasionally) than I already am.

For now, I think I'll use the DBT skill of distraction and play spider solitaire, then get something to eat and enjoy the rest of a beautiful day.

Eilir raved on 19:23

You know, I wonder what my librarian compatriots who come to this page think. It's not really a professional blog. I don't even talk about being a librarian that much in here. I mostly rant about things that happened in my personal life. But, I suppose if you're one of those people who think of librarians as a sort of one-dimensional, plastic sort of person, this blog might change your mind. (Although you may get too many dimensions at once with me.) You might even wonder why you should go up to a librarian ever again...Really, we don't bite, even the more rabid among us. Most of us don't even "sshhhhh!"

Just so you know, I am unaccountably competent in my chosen field