Well, maybe I'm not so truly competent in my chosen field. I received a warning regarding my absences today. Between the doctor's appointments, having late mornings, and being sick, it's been difficult to get all my hours in. They're very happy with my work; they're just concerned about the irregularities in my schedule, which I understand. My boss and I had a long talk this afternoon. She's a nurse, and she realised as we were talking that part of the trouble I have in the mornings may be my blood sugar dipping down. Apparently I've been taking my medicine at the wrong time. It's not supposed to be taken with a meal, but about 30 minutes before. My boss recommended a doctor at UK who specialises in diabetes. It sounded like he might prescribe some of the patient education and nutritional counseling that I need. I don't know when to check my blood sugar. I know pretty much how to eat, but I don't know how to incorporate my vegetarianism and food allergies in the mix. And much of the info isn't something I can just research because it has to be designed for each individual. Part of my trouble is that I'm not diabetic (yet). I have insulin resistance, which makes your sugar go low, but not high, so the medical people don't treat it as that serious, even though newer research shows it can lead to diabetes and heart disease. And while I know that theoretically I could go low enough to pass out (and I have been low before, at 27, where the normal's 70-100), I've been in a kind of denial. For several months I stopped taking the Glucophage entirely, and as a result I put on about 40 lbs and I've been zigzagging with my sugar levels, although not to the extent I was before the diagnosis, since I've been eating more regularly and generally better. It's stupid, I know, and I'm tired of feeling bad, but I'm also tired of taking medicines and doing this, that, and the other thing, and I know that's unreasonable, but I think everyone who deals with a chronic condition goes through it at some point. I know I have one friend with epilepsy and another with high-blood pressure who had to have her heart repaired. They both went through rough times because of that. But they're both doing better now. If I can just stick this out, I can, too. Then maybe I won't become diabetic, and can avoid the problems that so many of my family have died of.

Oh, and the car's still not working. I noticed that when I turned the key, the fuel pump noise I'm used to didn't seem to happen. I hope that I was just having trouble hearing it. But you know, maybe I should just get a plan of action going and act as if I don't really have a car. I can get to my appointments on the bus. The buses in Lexington run seven days a week now (they used to not on Sunday), so I can get to the game. I live across the street from my pharmacy and a block away from work. I have a bike (which needs to be tuned-up, but that's a lot cheaper than a car), and I want to get more walking in now that the weather's pretty. When I was in school I went for years without a car, with very little hardship. Granted, I lived closer to a grocery then. But at least the apartments have laundry rooms, so I'm better off there. :) And I'm within a mile of two Krogers--when I lived downtown the nearest grocery was past the cemetery (a very large cemetery), over a viaduct, and then about another half mile through a rough area of town.

So, even though I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, I think I'll muddle through. Really, what choice do I have? I don't want to become more of a burden on my mother (who's been channelling money into the car and helping me out) or my friends (two of which I owe money and one of which I just get psycho with occasionally) than I already am.

For now, I think I'll use the DBT skill of distraction and play spider solitaire, then get something to eat and enjoy the rest of a beautiful day.