Unshelved	by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum

Dwana and I kicked butt...

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but as part of a family studies class, D had to write a 25-page paper on a diversity-related topic and present it to her class. She did it on people with disabilities, and asked me to be a guest speaker.

We came through the presentation with flying colours, and I was a guest speaker talking about the challenges and issues of dealing with an invisible disabilty--mental illness. The audience, mostly undergraduates, were very receptive. They actually spontaneously applauded, asked a lot of questions, came up to each of us at the break and said what a good talk it was, etc. It was the first time I've ever talked to complete strangers about living with anxiety disorders and borderline personality. Several people were dealing with similar issues in their own lives either personally or because of a friend, and it apparently spurred continued conversation once the class convened after break. (I stayed outside at that point going over my assignment for a book review for CAPHIS that's due tomorrow. Gee, it's like being in school again!) Needless to say, we were floored by the response. And I'm very proud of D because she did something she's never done before...she self-disclosed about her own struggle with panic and anxiety disorder in front of her classmates.

Dwana started out with a good overview of services and barriers to those with disabilities, what types of disabilities there are, etc. Then she showed a videotape that looked at how local people had dealt with mobility, sensory, and learning disabilities.

Then it was my turn. We especially wanted to underscore that successful professionals could also be dealing with mental illness. In preparation I really had to think in terms of how it impacts me...I don't normally think of myself as disabled, but really, my life is impacted on all levels by my mental health issues. I gave information on the things I deal with (OCD, anxiety/panic disorder, social phobia, and BPD), the therapy that helped me (dialectical behaviour therapy), what it was like being suicidal and emotionally labile, and how it affected my relationships with others and my work. I gave them handouts that supplemented it really well; since many of them were going into teaching or counseling, it seemed to be worthwhile to give them good information they could take with them.

Here are links to some of the resources I used:

• BPD Central FAQ
  
• Borderline Personality Disorder: What Is It, What Causes It, How Can We Treat It/From Grief to Advocacy: A Mother's Story
  
• Borderline Personality Disorder
  
• Dialetical Behaviour Therapy
  
• BPD Experiences
  
• Borderlines Talk About Self-Harm

Afterwards we celebrated by going over to Starbucks and playing Hear Me Out, with D getting a lot of the 'Sound Bite' spaces where you have to do impromptu speaking, as if she hadn't already presented enough! Then we both went home and I, at least, napped for a couple of hours. At one point we talked on the phone, sort of a debriefing and analysis, and we spoke a lot about our own experiences. It was a really great conversation. We both learnt new things about the other during the talk; I think Dwana saw for the first time what I had been dealing with; she didn't know me when I was undergoing therapy. And I saw dealing marvelously with her anxiety...the only hint that she was nervous was her neck turned bright read and splotchy, which is a physical response that I'm not sure most people could control. Each of us did a really good job, but apparently together we were a kick-ass team. We had lots of questions and I think the teacher was really pleased. We'll be a tough act to follow, and next week there are two presentations, one on female circumcision (that would be hard to talk about, I think) and same-sex parenting.

I really feel that it was important for us to be there, together, today, patially because I think it helped us deal with our own issues, and because there were a few people in the class who apparently were dealing with similar problems and it gave them a sense of where to turn for help. I feel really good about what we did today.

Eilir raved on 20:49

Stupidity (and instant karma) in action

Man Burned After Firing Rocket Inside Car

It's kind of sad when it takes second-degree burns from your feet to your groin, temporary blindness and missing eyelashes to decide that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

Eilir raved on 11:30

The problem with laws is that, like computer programs,

they're only as good as the people who write them.

Doctor Says Abortion Method Can Be Safest

Eilir raved on 11:23

Someone sent this to me, and overall, I have to agree...

Over 25?
All people over 25 should be dead.

To the survivors:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors?

I might also add that we didn't have cartoons that gave us scripts for playing with cards and action figure merchandise--we made up our own games. We had enough imagination that we didn't need a script. I think it's interesting that even in the role-playing game I play in, none of us (and we're in our 30s and 40s) use miniatures, etc. Battle scenes, when it becomes important to know where everything, are just drawn out on scrap paper.

This may seem like an odd thing to post given my rant for smoking bans, and really, I suppose it's good that Slip-n-Slides have bumpers now and we put plastic thingies in electric outlets so kids won't stick something in them...but one does wonder if we somehow overdid it. Someone I once knew remembered fondly chewing on an electric cord when she was 2, then testing it again to see if it would do it. I suppose it was evolution in action--she survived, learnt not to do that, and probably was more diligent than most about baby-proofing when she had her own children. But it's funny, when I look back at the really fun things I did as a kid, they tended to be fairly dangerous in retrospect. I think most of us feel that way, don't you?

Eilir raved on 10:58

Yay! I can go to Irish pubs when I visit

Yahoo! News - Ireland Goes Smoke-Free with Pioneering Ban

Now if Lexington can just be allowed to enforce the one passed last July, I'll be happy. It's never been in effect because it's been under a series of injunctions while its legality is duked out in the courts. Meanwhile, the legislators of the Commonwealth of Kentucky seem to be doing everything they can to prevent that, drat it. See, tobacco here is big business--well, really, a way of life--nevermind that the average tobacco farmer doesn't really do that well anymore. I'm sorry...I've lived on tobacco farms, and I've watched the fields turn bright gold in the fall and yes, I do consider it part of our culture. But I've also lost two people very close to me due to lung cancer and emphysema; I watched them suffer, gasping to breathe. My paternal grandmother died nearly two decades in age before her parents. In the end her cancer reached her spine and the doctors let her use a morphine pump just to dull the pain. My maternal grandfather, the gentlest man I've ever known, had such low blood oxygen after years of being tied to a pump and unable to do his beloved gardening that he'd begun to hallucinate. He tried desperately to get out of the hospital (and nearly made it out the front door of the VA) and was thankfully discharged home only to die a couple of days later. Until late in his illness, he would go out to his car trunk and sneak cigarettes where my grandmother would not find him, so heavy was the addiction.

Both of them started smoking before we 'knew better'. I don't understand why people still take up smoking since we do know the health costs, but it's their choice. A stupid one in my opinion, but one nevertheless. Some would argue that they deserve such awful deaths. I don't agree. But smoking in public is NOT a personal choice. It's a health hazard. For those of us with asthma or who have to work in a smoke-filled environment, second-hand smoke can be a very real problem.

In America, it's become socially unacceptable to smoke around others to some degree. Gone are the days of Emily Post when you were expected to provide cigarettes to your guests. Now, many people--at least in my age group and younger--step out of their own homes to smoke, whether it's because they have kids or roomates and they're being considerate or because they don't want to stink up their home. A lot of people are shocked when they travel to other countries where people chain-smoke in great numbers. One of my friends is travelling to Bosnia this summer, and really, she's braving heavy smoke as much as landmines. I don't know why smoking is so popular in some places; is it that the health concerns aren't as well-known among the populace? Is it seen as chic? Is it the stress? Is it just cheap and easy to smoke? Maybe some of you know and can comment.

But here, it really is on the way out. Most tobacco farmers (at least those who farm full-time) have been looking into alternatives for decades. A lot of families supplement their income with a small tobacco base on their land. But, there are other ways. Towards the end of their lives, my great-grandparents made money not from growing tobacco but by either leasing the base (and letting someone else grow it either on or off their property) or sometimes they were paid not to grow any by the government. I don't think those government subsidies are so easy to come by these days, but there's also quite a bit of money from the tobacco settlements, depending on how states use the funds.

Most people who smoke know that it's bad for them. A lot try to quit. Health and wellness are the new watchwords for 'cool'. Yet there are dating sites out there for smokers who feel 'stigmatised' by people who don't want to date them. There's an attitude of smokers as some sort of oppressed minority, with many absolutely rabid about their rights to smoke where and when they want. We have a rather absurd situation where tobacco companies--caught at practices where minorities and youths were targeted for marketing--are now paying millions of dollars to produce ads that talk about how bad smoking is for you, as if somehow once you turn 18, those reasons should somehow be invalid. It has always boggled my mind that they can run ads in magazines (having been yanked off the TV when I was a kid) that say things like 'cool, refreshing' and then oh, by the way, smoking causes premature death, complications in pregnancy, etc. It's ridiculous.

In the case of Lexington's ban, it was done by the council, not via referendum--if I understand correctly--because the state prevents such votes. Now it's trying to prent local governments from making these sorts of public health decisions. Mind you, if the federal government tried something similar, the state would howl foul, for it's a long-standing tradition that such matters have local jurisdiction.

There was a lof of publicity, too, at the time of the ban's inception that was misleading. A cigar bar downtown was going to have to shut its doors and convert to another form. Patrons came flocking down for one last smoke. I asked a councilmember I know about that one. Apparently the rule was that businesses that made 50% or more of their sales from tobacco sales (like a tobacco shop) were exempt. This one wasn't because the overwhelming majority of its sales were from alcohol; the cigar theme was more of a novelty. Another cigar bar in town, one that did sell a lot of tobacco, was exempt. The council looked at laws such as those in New York City and really tried to come up with something that would be good for public health AND business. And yet, here we are, nearly a year later, and I still come home from Applebee's non-smoking section stinking of the stuff and sniffling, rarely go out to a restaurant, never to bars, curse myself when I forget and get toilet paper from a gas station that's impregnated with smoke, and generally unable to enjoy going out. I'd love to go to O'Neil's across the street for the great pub food and music, but I can't yet. Sigh.

Well, I guess I've ranted for long enough. But that's how I feel about the subject anyway.

Eilir raved on 01:35

Fighting against blog censorship

Living in China is a cooperative blog with authors living in mainland China, Taiwan, and related environs. It is politically neutral, although lately it has been highly concerned with the Republic of China's blockage of foreign and domestic blogging sites, which seem to be aimed at surpressing free expression of political ideas. Check them out for more details.

Eilir raved on 01:15

Dumbing down books can mean taking out their spirits as well

This is an excellent commentary on how our beloved classics are being turned vapid, with a focus on The Wind in the Willows. You can read the whole article if you are a subscriber, or click on a short ad to view the rest of it. It also has some interesting information on the nature of Toad as bipolar, based off of Kenneth Grahame's own son. You'll want to check it out; it's quite good.

Salon.com Books | Abridged too far

Eilir raved on 13:56

This link is dedicated to He Who Knows Who He Is

Yahoo! News - Vermont Probes Man With 70 Goats in House

I love the term 'glut of goats'.

Granted, this is a classic case of people who hoard animals, which is good for neither the person or the animals, and may be an extreme form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. As someone who has OCD and has been the type who, say, hoarded papers and stuff in her home, I can relate. Have I mentioned lately that Paxil is a wonderful thing?

Eilir raved on 11:35

Oh, dear

Peter Ustinov has been making me laugh since I was little, whether it was as Poirot, Charlie Chan, or a host of other characters he flawlessly transformed into. I'm sorry to see him go, but he seems to have left a wonderful legacy for generations to come.

CNN.com - Oscar-winning actor Peter Ustinov dies - Mar 29, 2004

Eilir raved on 11:19

Hurrah!

My favourite foray into Biblical satire is coming back to the big screen: Life of Brian returning to challenge The Passion

All students of Latin should be forced to watch the 'Romans go home!' scene, for one. So, if you had to pick a winner in some sort of battle between the movies--Life of Brian or The Passion, which would you pick? Be sure to vote in the comments.

Eilir raved on 22:49

I can always count on John

to point me towards various oddities. And this is no exception. People, I present: The Ultimate Build Your Own Cow Page!

Eilir raved on 22:31

Mutter, mutter

1. Pitbull:: Terrier
   
2. TD:: Football?
   
3. Carter:: President
   
4. Japan:: Anime
   
5. 50:: Golden
   
6. Streak:: Naked
   
7. Rifle:: Corps
   
8. Trap:: Door
   
9. Easter:: Eggs
   
10. Mitt:: Mitten
    

Eilir raved on 22:18

'the point...is that they lived'

: Ever After
: Romantic

Despite a somewhat wooden performance by Drew Barrymore in an effort to do the accent, I love the movie Ever After. I can't help to feel all woolly and romantic whenever I see it. TNT is doing an encore, so I'm taping it now.

I'm not sure why I'm so happy at the moment. The weather has been beautiful. I've visited my family and spent a good bit of time with friends, but also have had time to get rested and enjoy my own company.

I don't remember feeling quite this good last spring. Despite everything--the layoff, the ensuing financial worries, etc.--I quite frankly feel more alive than I have since...well, as a child of 8 or 10, maybe more than ever before. I know a great part of it is the lack of depression; in retrospect I've probably been at least moderately clinically depressed most of my life. Now I sometimes wonder if I'm giddy with some form of mania, but I don't think so...I think I'm just happy, and mostly content with my life. If I can get a job that pays me enough to meet my bills, put a little aside, care for my pets' and my own health, and someday have a home of my own with a garden, it'll just about be perfect. If I were to meet someone special whom I could love and would love me as well in all the silly, syrupy, romantic style, that would be icing on the cake...I don't need someone to be complete, but the romantic in me yearns for love. Maybe it's just springtime fever, but I suppose it's a very human want. I want to experience all the joys--and heartbreaks--of living life fully, and that includes relationships. I think I'm finally ready to trust again. I suppose it's about time. But I do have rather high standards. ;)

Anyway, that's what's going on in my head. I suppose part of it is that it's a dear friend's anniversary, and then my mom and John's is coming up soon, too. I have several people in my life that have good, loving relationships--after years of being around dysfunctional ones--and I suppose I'd like that for myself, too. But first, I guess I need to get on my own feet, so I'm concentrating on getting a job.

Still, do any of you have suggestions of where a girl who doesn't drink, can't abide smoke in bars or clubs (and despite the fact that we have a smoking ban, it's been blocked for nine months, so it still hasn't taken effect), who's a non-church-going pagan is supposed to meet anyone? I'm thinking maybe a book club, but hey, I've never really gotten the hang of the dating thing.

Eilir raved on 22:01

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

: 'Once More, With Feeling' (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the Musical)
: Rested, awake, and loving spring

On Friday, Dwana and I both got off work early because we'd gotten our hours in, so we decided to run around together. We went over to pick up her husband Eric's paycheque, and wound up volunteering for a resident birthday party because he was so short-staffed. It was fun. I grew up in nursing homes; whenever my father would be away TDY (on temporary duty), I would spend the night at the nursing home my mom worked in, on a cot in the social worker's office/chapel. (Dwana says that they're always pretty much the same room). :) I would play with the residents (one man taught me how to play a mean game of dominoes), sang with sign language, and basically gave them the opportunity to interact with a child. Friday it was nice to see several children visiting, although I wasn't particularly impressed with the rest of the facility. Things have changed a lot since I was a kid. Nursing homes are bigger, busier places. I'd hate to ever be in one. But this was fun. We mixed the punch while Eric blew up the balloons (I couldn't help with that, since I'm allergic to latex), set up the tables, and then called Jingo (kind of like bingo, but with pictures). The residents were a delight, although I'm not entirely sure they had fun. I got the impression it was something to do for a change in routine. Everything's so scheduled, I guess. One lady really did have a lot of fun, calling out the answers and helping the others find the images on their cards. I really liked her, and I'm glad she won one of the games. :)

Since that was a bit of a surprise adventure, and Dwana and I were both pretty hot, we made the deposit and then went out to McConnell Springs, which is Lexington's 'founding spot'. It's a sinking spring that comes up next to a cave, which has become a historical park and nature sanctuary, right in the middle of Lexington's industrial park. It's acres of woods to walk through, with the soothing sounds of birdsong. With the temperature in the mid 70s but a lovely breeze, it was nice to walk around. Dwana hadn't been there, although her brother-in-law had proposed to his wife there, so she'd heard about it. It was nice to escape with the illusion of being out of the city for just a little while. I loved watching the goldfinches and the woodpeckers. We saw whole flocks of the latter, more than I'd ever seen at once.

Then we went to Starbucks and had frappachinos and played a game called 'Hear Me Out', which was quite fun. All in all, it was a nice afternoon, spontaneous and just hanging out.

Yesterday I went home to Danville and Stanford, and it was a very nice drive. My allergies are worse this time of year, but I love springtime. My grandmother had lots of birds in her yard and lots of bulbs coming up in the garden.

So this morning, since I woke up early (I've been doing that since spring started...it's sunny and beautiful and that makes it so much easier to get going...there's nothing quite like spring mornings--and I'm not usually a morning person at all.) I went out to get a bag of birdseed out of my car and fill up my own feeders...the birds and chipmunks will appreciate it, and it'll bring more birds for my cats and me to watch from the patio door. :) In fact, Darius is in stalking mode right now, so they must have already found it. Because of the reservoir nearby and a creek, with woods and grassland due to a park, the hospital grounds, a golf-course, and a house surrounded by lots of trees, we get a lot of wildlife in the neighbourhood...you wouldn't think we'd be nearly in the centre of the city. Anyway, I cleaned out the car a bit, put a tyre back in the trunk because I'd moved it behind one of the seats to make room for a bookcase and it's been driving my passengers crazy by bumping into their seat occasionally. Then I filled up the bird feeder. Once this afternoon comes along, the sun will stream through the patio door (it's the whole length of my living room) and the mirrored hangings outside will cast reflections that move through the house, so Spock will chase those, and the rest of the cats can watch the birds).

I also noticed that my yarrow has greened up, my miniature roses are leafing out, and the irises, hostas, and the peony I planted last year are all coming up. I'm hoping the peony blooms this year; last year, before I put the ammunition boxes in front of the bed, the mowers had a tendency to get overzealous. I don't think they necessarily know what is and isn't supposed to be growing. So best to block it.

I've taken Cerys out. She's tried the tastiest bits of new grass, although she didn't do her normal morning roll...I guess it's still too wet. What can I say, she's nearly thirteen...she's fairly sedate in her pleasures, although she'll run like a bullet if I call out 'food!'

I think now I'm going to get something to eat (I'm actually hungry and not nauseous...maybe that medicine is working), clean the cat box, and take a shower, then head over to the game. I think I'll take Cerys with me, since I was gone most of yesterday. She's getting used to the other dogs and they're doing the same. She likes visiting the rest of her pack.

Have I mentioned how much I love being back online? Have a good day.

Eilir raved on 09:50

Yay!

: 'Downfall' by Matchbox Twenty
: Tired but happy

Thanks to my wonderful step-father, John, my computer is up and running. He had a spare hard drive that we could put in to get it going again. It's nice to know I called the problem right. I went home to visit today and brought the computer with me; he took it and coaxed it to life by the time I was ready to leave (and went ahead and downloaded the Windows updates while he mowed the lawn...the man is industrious).

Anyway, I had a great time at my grandmother's and my mom's. I played with my grandmother's dog, a small tootsie-roll with large ears that defies description. My mom's dog wasn't quite sure whether I was friend or foe, though, and she lunged at my throat when I pulled some loose hair off of her (like many long-haired dogs, she 'blows' her coat in the spring. So much for obsessing on tidiness; I annoyed her, and can't really blame her, but I'll be careful about that in the future. Besides, I think she's a one-family dog, devoted to 'her' people and treating anyone not pack as a potential threat. Such is the nature of dogs.

Now, I'm tired. I've downloaded my Real Arcade games and I think I'll play a little of Feeding Frenzy and then get some sleep. 'Night.

Eilir raved on 22:19

Oh...

John (Cumisky, as opposed to my step-father) nearly killed himself last night. I've been reading his blog about dealing with depression for awhile now, ever since Dwana happened across it.

It's funny how you really don't know people online, yet some people really touch you deeply. Because of my own experiences with depression, I can relate. I have had several loved ones who have fought it throughout their lives as well. It's truly insidious; I'd almost call it evil, even though I know a scientist would look at it as a matter of unbalanced chemicals. Depression eats away at the spirit, not just the mind, after all.

I included this in my comment to John:

When I was suicidal, my greatest fear was that I would have a moment of total despair and just do it, with no chance of backing out. I wasn't the type of depressed person who thought about suicide all the time. I had emotional 'storms' where--if I could just get in bed and hug something and wait it out for about a half-hour, I would be alive. Not okay, really, but alive. It was almost like a seizure of self-obliteration. I really feared having one whilst driving. Fortunately, things transpired where the car died and it wasn't as likely.

For a moment, even though it's a sunny day and it's Friday and I'm really quite happy, I was back in that place again. It never truly leaves you, I think. Now it's something I can draw strength from, at least. But I know, too, as Sarah MacLachlan sings, that it's 'one mistep before you know it', and that it's easy to be dragged back into the hell of depression.

On Wednesday, I'm going to talk to a class as part of Dwana's presentation on diversity and people with disabilities, to explain what barriers there are and stereotypes a person has to deal with when dealing with mental illness. One thing that I think is very important in mental illness issues is that the individual himself is likely to dismiss his own strengths, to buy into an idea of being 'damaged' or not 'strong enough' because of the illness. I'm sure people with physical disabilities feel like that sometimes, too, but I think the stigma with mental illness is so strong that it is worse when dealing with mental illness.

In some ways, depression is like cancer. We talk about fighting. We talk about someone 'succumbing' to depression, just as with cancer, like it's this thing that if they're just strong enough, they'll overcome. It implies that those who do die somehow fail, or were weak.

It's not the survival that makes you strong, so much as the living. How you live your life when dealing with something as overwhelming as depression or cancer says more about your character than the final outcome.

The difference is that whereas there comes a time in some cancers that the patient and family must come to grips with the final, mortal outcome, and may (hopefully) prepare for this through hospice, depression really need not be terminal.

I have really mixed feelings on depression and suicide. On the one hand, I do believe that each individual should have the final choice of whether or not he'll live or die. For some, I could see suicide as a blessing, especially if the pain or imminent mortality of the physical body, such as with a terminal illness, is really too much to bear.

But depression is a terrible trickster; it makes us lose all hope even when hope exists. It drags us into the belief that life itself is not bearable. It ignores the fact that time changes the circumstances of life, and that even depression, no matter how severe, usually remits on its own, eventually. The trick is getting through that period when there seems to be nothing to live for. Sometimes having the support of loved ones can help. Sometimes medicine can. But in the end, I think it's what goes on in the person's head that's most important, because no one else can truly understand what's in there at the moment, even if they've dealt with similar issues; we all live inside ourselves differently.

If you haven't dealt with depression, I hope this helps you understand it a little. If you have someone you love with it, find out everything you can about what you can do to help; don't dismiss it as something minor, or easily overcome. Think about how you would feel if they told you they had cancer. It really is that big. Learn patience. Help the person get medicine or therapy or deal with the little everyday things (like bills, or bureaucracy) that overwhelm someone with depression. Listen. Express hope. Never let go. But understand that in the end, the final decision rests with the person. If you lose them, do not blame yourself. Do not second guess what you could or could not have done, but care for those left behind, or volunteer for a suicide hotline. Find a way to take this evil and transform it to good.

And if you do come out of depression, having faced your daemons, do the same. You'll appreciate life more fully. You'll love more fully, once life has light in it again. You can understand others who are in pain, and it can be frightening to go back to that place in order to help them. But it isn't a defininition of who you are. You are not depression. You are a person who as part of your life has struggled with darkness. It can be a foundation of great strength in having that second chance to live. Take that strength and use it to work out underlying issues and care for the mind, soul, and body on a daily basis as a way to prevent a recurrence. Live. Love. Shine.

Eilir raved on 11:58

Ewww...

I don't know what disturbs me more about this...that someone dyed an iceberg red (and is that environmentally safe?) or that it's the same dye the use on meat to make it look fresher. I'm kind of glad I haven't eaten red meat in over a decade. Ewww.
Iceberg Off Western Greenland Painted Red

Eilir raved on 11:16

Sadly, there is no Friday Five

So you will have to content yourselves with a story and picture of an adorable four-eared kitten. Isn't she cute?

Eilir raved on 11:09

And this is why

I drink Highbridge Springs, locally bottled, where I can visit the actual spring if I so wish.

Treated Tap Water Won't Fly in Europe

Eilir raved on 11:06

Sad

The Making of a Palestinian 'Boy Bomber'

And even sadder that, if he does have developmental delays, that both sides have exploited him, although anyone who straps a bomb onto a kid and promises him virgins in heaven is, as far as I'm concerned, the far worse of the two.

Mind you, I don't really support Israel's stance on things, either. I'm the one who always said that maybe the Holy Land should just be taken away from both sides and the Eskimos could be given it as a vacation spot.

And, yes, I know it's a terribly complex problem, and one that as an outsider, I can afford to be flippant and don't really have to live with every day of my life. But if there's to be peace, if the killing's to stop, people are going to have to stop doing stuff like this.

Eilir raved on 11:38

It's hard to believe in this day and age

that a woman's past sexual history should be considered relevant in a rape case. Come on, guys, that really won't do much to establish the innocence or guilt of your client. If she'd had sex with anyone else within that timeframe, there should be forensic evidence of such, and if there wasn't any forensic evidence, that protects the accused, too.

Kobe's Lawyers Want Sex Details Included in Trial

Eilir raved on 11:26

Sort of reassuring

Study finds today's children safer

...which makes sense, since we didn't have things like child seats or child-resistant medicine caps or bike helmets when I was growing up. Although it seems they're safer when it comes to violent crimes, but more likely to suicide. Sigh.

Eilir raved on 11:21

Little changes bring big results

Food for thought in evolutionary clue

The evolutionary split between early humans and apes may have begun with a tiny mutation in a gene for jaw muscles -- a lucky break that allowed the skull to grow and make room for the enormous brain that would eventually become the hallmark of Homo sapiens.

Yay for weak-muscled ancestors. :)

Eilir raved on 11:19

Cool!

NASA discovers remains of salty sea on Mars

Eilir raved on 11:15

I am not Christian, nor am I Black, but...

I have long been concerned with the rise of HIV/AIDS among minorities and also the crippling epidemic in Africa itself. I'm glad to see that organisations--especially religious ones--are taking steps to educate their communities about the disease. I came across Balm in Gilead, which sponsors a Week of Prayer for the Healing of AIDS, which just completed its 15th year. They also provide AIDS Facts and other educational materials, and run an HIV testing campaign. Given the number of African-Americans in this country who are Christian and involved with a church, this is a wonderful way to reach people. I hope they will mind that my own prayers and thoughts are with them.

I need to check and see what other sorts of similar organisations are out there, including those targeting the Hispanic community.

I remember the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, when the only activists tended to be gay because the disease had been labelled a 'gay disease' and they fought the prejudice and slowly people began to realise it was a more mainstream problem. We've made great strides since then, but there is still so much to do, especially with minority populations, younger people who think of it as a chronic illness (those meds are quite complex, you know, and subject to the virus gaining resistance) and older people who now are a growing population (divorce after years of marriage or the use of drugs for male impotence has changed the playing field so that educators are now going into nursing homes to explain the ways to prevent HIV infection).

AIDS activism is not pass&eacut; by any means. Keep fighting the good fight. Take precautions. Don't have unprotected sex. Don't share needles. Talk to friends and partners. Keep in mind that different cultures have different barriers to HIV education. Bridge prejudices. Remember those lost. Someday, we might be able to look at the AIDS epidemic as a distant memory.

Eilir raved on 10:58

Nifty

Library Acquires Alan Lomax Collection

I love folklore, folksongs, and folk cultures of all sorts. This is a true treasure to have in our national library.

Eilir raved on 16:51

Quotes for the day:

A few of my favourite Quotes About Librarians:

"As a general rule, librarians are a kick in the pants socially, often full of good humor, progressive, and naturally, well read. They tend to be generalists who know so much about so many things that they are quite the opposite of the boring old poops they have been made out to be. Most of them are full of life, some even full of the devil." -- Bill Hall, editorial page editor, Lewiston (Idaho) Tribune, Sept. 9, 2001.

"In early days, I tried not to give librarians any trouble, which was where I made my primary mistake. Librarians like to be given trouble; they exist for it, they are geared to it. For the location of a mislaid volume, an uncatalogued item, your good librarian has a ferret's nose. Give her a scent and she jumps the leash, her eye bright with battle."
(Catherine Drinker Bowen. From: Adventures of a Biographer, 1959),

"In the nonstop tsunami of global information, librarians provide us with floaties and teach us how to swim." -- Linton Weeks, Washington Post, Jan. 13, 2001.

"Everyone loves libraries, but library workers can't live on love alone. Just ask our landlords, doctors and families." -- ALA

Eilir raved on 13:16

Today is beautiful

: 'My Immortal' by Evanescence; 'The Man with the Child in His Eyes' by Kate Bush
: Wonderfully Happy

It's sunny, it's warm, it's springtime. I'm drinking Diet Sprite and eating saltines to appease my ulcer. It's almost lunchtime. I've had a busy morning looking up things like Scheuermann's kyphosis and figuring out enlargement ratios on the copier.

I talked to my mom last night and I'm going to go home on Saturday. She said maybe I'd get a new hard drive for my birthday, which rather floored me, since they've done so much for me lately. I was hoping my step-dad might have an older one lying around, since he builds computers on the side.

I feel that things are turning around for me. I hope so, anyway. ;)

Eilir raved on 11:43