Unshelved	by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum

I missed the Saturday Slant yesterday...

Here it is:

What songs give you support or inspiration?
More so than any other media of entertainment or information, music often acts as a catharsis to help us move through and past difficult situations and times. What songs give you support or inspiration? Whether it's the pain of a breakup, the agony inherent in contemplating ending a relationship, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, or even just a rough day, we all have emotionally trying times. Tell your readers about a difficult time you've had recently and the music that helped you through it.

Music has always been very important to me. My moods affect the music I listen to, but also are shaped by the music. In fact, there are some types of music I really can't listen to, because of these effects. Tori Amos, for instance. I like her music, but it puts me in a foul, man-hating mood and no one wants to be around me. It doesn't even have to be the lyrics...the music alone will do it.

When I was a kid, I felt very alone and misunderstood. Two of my favourite songs were 'Shadows' by Simon and Garfunkel, Harry Chapin's 'Cat's in the Cradle', and 'Shilo' by Neil Diamond. They were sort of indicative of my depressive side. The things that made my mood very high were things like Cher's 'Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves' or Don McLean's 'American Pie'.

The one song that was most pivotal of all things was 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers. I was listening to it, watching the movie Ghost when I decided to leave my husband years ago.

I love all sorts of music--classical, jazz, oldies, world, folk, New Age, classic rock, New Wave, modern rock, etc.

If I want to relax, the best thing for me to listen to is Loreena McKinnitt or other Celtic music. I also have a wonderful CD set of Alto flute and tuned crystals. I love Andean pipes. I love anything in a minor key. I love Middle Eastern and Indian music. I love strings, especially cellos and sitars.

I love music with a message, but also my battle with depression has made me appreciate dark, introspective music too...it was during my depression that I bought a collection of Simon and Garfunkel. I'd always loved their songs, and so much is musically upbeat, but I'd never realised until I reallyu started paying attention how many of them have to do with suicide, depression, and loss.

Even now, I idenitify with songs like, say, Matchbox Twenty's 'Unwell', Evanescence's 'My Immortal', or Sarah MacLachlan's 'Fallen'. They don't depress me; they remind me of a place where I once was, and how much better I feel now.

Show tunes also help when I need a pick-me-up. For cleaning or other activity, Les Miserables, Jesus Christ, Superstar, or Once More, With Feeling (Buffy: The Musical) are great. I go around the house dusting or vacuuming, singing along.

Hmmm...I don't know if that exactly answers the assignment, but I'm glad to have music in my life. I wish I could play music. I can't. I can sing, though, and now that I'm past the depression, I really want to perform again.

Anyway, that's my slant. What's yours?

Eilir raved on 12:23

Muttering to myself...

1. Hollywood:: Star
   
2. Censor:: Ship
   
3. Nascar:: Car
   
4. Lube:: Job
   
5. Mortgage:: Rate
   
6. Freedom:: Rings
   
7. Champion:: Queen
   
8. Reality TV:: Sucks
   
9. New York:: New York
   
10. Tease:: Kids
    

Eilir raved on 12:19

I'm having 'net withdrawal

It looks like I'm going to have to format my hard drive and re-install the OS to get my computer up and running. It lost the hal.dll file and it went downhill from there; nor does restoring it to the last configuration work. Apparently several files and clusters have become corrupted. I'm wondering if I finally got a computer virus--my anti-virus software was actually the first thing I lost. It'll probably take a couple of days for me to find my various bits of software and get everything back on and running. Fortunately, I have most of my actual documents backed up on CD.

Until then, no playing on the computer, which frankly is my main pastime. No blogging whenever I think about something. No going on the Internet when want to look something up, at least from home. No working at home. No job hunting from home. No news whenever I want. :( I didn't realise quite how much of my life was spent sitting at the thing. Fortunately, I've had other concerns anyway.

The good news is that I have paid my rent; I won't be evicted. My mom is the most wonderful mom in the world, and she came through. She wasn't happy, obviously, but she came through. Someday I will make it up to her.

I also have all the 'public' areas of my apartment ready for company--having your mom come up gives you that extra incentive; I suspect my mom does mad cleaning if her mom comes over...we're just programmed, I guess. Years ago, when I got married, I spent the night before my wedding day making everything spotless for my in-laws' visit rather than sleeping. The funny thing is that whenever I'm a guest at someone else's place, I could care less how spotless everything is; I'm there to visit the person. I wonder if other people feel the same way. Anyway, I tackled everything except the bedroom and study which are next on the list. The bedroom is mainly a matter of dusting and vacuuming and cleaning out the closet. The study, however, is the main trouble, because it has way too many books for shelves and a lot of laundry piled up. It's really more of a junk room at this point than a study, but I'm going to have to beat it into submission if I want easy access to my books. That, however, is last on the list. :)

It is a little bit of irony that I was cleaning to get things ready so I could work on Dwana's computer and have people over for dinner and playing games, etc., and the computer crashed. Ah, my life.

For now, though, I'm just enjoying the peace of an uncluttered living room and getting ready to do my laundry so that I can have clothes for work. I can actually sit and read and listen to peaceful music and let the sunlight wash over me. I can take a relaxing bath. I have counter space to cook. Life is good. And, it's in the 60s and sunny, so I've been opening the windows and the cats and Cerys have just loved basking, or in Spock's case, chasing the reflections of the mirrored glass decorations on my patio.

But today I get to play the game and visit with friends, and that's nice, too.

Eilir raved on 11:50

Oddity of the week

Seen whilst driving down Fontaine Avenue today, at the kerb of a house:
A coffin propped upon a support with the following sign:
COFFIN
Solid Cherry
One Owner
Slightly Used
$50


...wish I'd had my camera. It hurt my brain. A lot.

Eilir raved on 11:45

No Friday Five this week, but

• It's sunny.
  
• It's Friday.
  
• It's supposed to be in the 60s this weekend. (I'm ready for spring!)
  
• I'm getting paid at KET today.
  
• Someone was really sweet to me yesterday. He took me out for Thai food and gave me a beautiful purple crystal vase for libations. He really can't help with the financial situation, but he helped me so much in terms of comfort and giving me some hope, and encouraging me on. He is like my brother, and a true friend.
  
• Not long ago, Dwana gave me a thank you card that was very touching. She is a true friend. Whenever I feel lost and alone, I take it out and look at it.
  
• One of my co-workers, when I was worrying about calling my mom and asked her how she feels as a parent in such a situation, said two things that really helped. One--she'd rather know what was going on and hopefully soon enough to be of help, rather than put off until it's a crisisl, like I've done, and that her husband had always said that if it's a problem that money can solve, it was never really a problem. And in the grand scheme of things, that's right. I have health. I have family. I have pets. I have people who love me. And I'm trying to get to a point where I have the stability to flourish.
  
• I called my mom this morning about the eviction. She's going to help me out. I hate that I've now transferred most of my stress to her. I so want a job that will allow me to take care of my responsibilities, and maybe even repay her for all she's done.
  
• I may be able to get my computer working at home tonight...I know what's wrong. That would be good, as I have four jobs to apply for!
  
• I am so blessed to not be alone and to have such loving people in my life. I've felt recently that my life has gotten out of kilter. Despite the financial stresses, I had been managing much better than in the past, whether financially, emotionally, whatever. The layoff could have been much worse--at least I have my benefits, and I'm not entirely destitute. But the last few weeks--I suppose because the unemployment was a sort of safety net will be yanked away soon--I really do feel like I'm out on a wire, and it's been paralysing. I've been fighting not to fall into depression again, to not feel worthless, and it's taking a toll. I know cognitively that I shouldn't lose self-esteem or feel like a failure. But I've never quite mastered the trick of distancing myself from my emotions without dissociating entirely, and that won't help in this case, either. I could go on with my head in the sand rather than running around like Chicken Little, but the world would come crashing down around me anyway.
  

...so, that's a lot to be happy about. But despite the fears, there's a lot of hope, too, thanks to my supporters. Thank you all.

Eilir raved on 14:00

:|

Sorry I didn't write in yesterday. I was busy with work and then ran some errands with friends and helped them set up some stuff. Once I got home, my computer crashed (again). Hopefully that's temporary.

I'm a little blue. The computer was just the third bit of bad news last night. Yesterday I found out that the Lexington Public Library position has been filled. That's the only one of the ones I've applied for over the last few months that I've interviewed for. The good news is I have a new batch of about five jobs that have opened up around the area in my field. And of course, I'm at a point where I'm looking in all sorts of fields.

But it's a little disheartening. The state and city have very few jobs of any sort available. I'm thinking of picking up hours with a temp agency to help make ends meet. And Dwana passed along a research assistant possiblity that's about 10 hours a week.

Oh, and I have I mentioned that my unemployment runs out in a couple of weeks and as far as I know, the federal government has decided that they're not going to do any extensions because the oeconomy is getting better? I so want another administration in charge.

Meanwhile, I got a notice to pay my rent by Tuesday or be evicted. Ironically, I get paid on Thursday, and we're getting a $225 bonus in pay to make up for the fact we're not getting raises this year.

I got my performance review, which was great, and in another year I would have gotten my full raise. Even though it doesn't translate into money, I'm glad, because it means I'm doing a good job even with the challenges of the reduction in hours, and I'm past the point of having lots of doctor's appointments eating into my personal time off or my health causing me to miss work. I also got the results in from the library needs assessment and the resources and services were scored very highly, especially in terms of my interaction with the patrons.

So, I'm trying to think somewhat positively. I'm trying to not be totally depressed--I need to fight it, because I need to act, no matter how overwhelmed I feel. I need to see if I can come up with the money. I have a paycheque coming from KET before then, albeit a small one, have some receipts to send in for reimbursement on medicines, and have a couple of avenues to fall back on. My friends are in no position to help, and I'm not sure about my family--I dread asking my mom, because she's done so much already, and I'm nearly 37, after all, but I don't want to be living in my car, either, especially with a small herd of animals.

I feel like I need a spider with a large vocabulary spinning over my head 'Hire her! She'll work hard! She's got talent! She's SOME librarian!' Hmm...I guess that makes me a pig trying not to get slaughtered. Yeah, that's sort of how I feel, actually.

I know it will get better, nor is it as bad as it could be. But part of me wants to just curl up into a ball, you know?

Eilir raved on 13:20

The End is Near?

My best friend passed this interesting article to me. He's been reading about possible problems with the Gulf Stream causing Britain to become much colder. I have to admit, I've pooh-poohed it. Yes, it is a theory, but one of many. The causes of climactic changes are open to debate--what is natural, cyclical vs. what is caused by greed, misuse of resources, etc. Still, the fact that the United States is responsible for using up a huge percentage of available resources and that it has been reluctant to participate in global initiatives to protect the environment shouldn't be open to interpretation; it's a matter of history. The idea that the Pentagon may be looking at the effects of climate in terms of security issues--and in essence may agree with a variety of others across political, scientific, and doomsaying lines, helps lend that idea credence, and it certainly should be a concern for all of us.

Eilir raved on 16:28

Monday Madness!

Monday Madness:

(Almost forgot. This week, we have to fill in the blank with a word beginning with the letter given.)

1. If I could w[histle], I'd be so happy!
2. Maybe one day I will try my hand at c[apoeira].
3. Before I started blogging, I used to s[leep].
4. L[iverspots] sure make me scared!
5. If I could fly, I would fly to A[berdeen].
6. If more people were n[eighbourly], the world would be a better place.
7. I thought this meme was [fun] this week. (any letter will do for this one.)

Okay, technically I can whistle, but I can't do the whole happy tune whilstle thing. I want to whistle symphonies. Or at least three notes in order. :)

Eilir raved on 21:11

A quiet night for poetry

: Can you guess? [I'll post the answer in a comment.]

The sea is flecked with bars of grey,
The dull dead wind is out of tune,
And like the withered leaf the moon
Is blown across the stormy bay.

Etched clear upon the pallid sand
The black boat lies: a sailor boy
Clambers aboard in careless joy
With laughing face and gleaming hand.

And overhead the curlews cry,
Where through the dusky upland grass
The young brown-throated reapers pass,
Like silhouettes against the sky.

Here's a hint: It's old enough to not be protected by copyright...and no fair Googling! Well...I guess you can, seeing as that's what I would do if I didn't recognise it off the bat.

Eilir raved on 20:58

But first...

According to The Cheeky Squirrel Network: Squirrel Name Generator, my squirrel name is: Dances with Chipmunks. Yeah, you never know what to expect from the squirrelly Welsh. ;) (Says a girl with more than a decade's worth of experience with the Welsh sense of humour.)

Ironically, I started this blog...and took the name Rabid Librarian...after being bitten by a squirrel that I'd tried to save. It had been hit by a car, and in a moment straight out of Disney I reached out to help it get all the way into the tree and safe, thereby jostling it, and was soundly bitten. I have little feeling in my right index finger as a result of that bite, and it's a little piece of reality I keep with me at all times. Life is not like Disney movies.

Sadly, the squirrel died. After I'd gone and stopped the bleeding and started back out for the urgent treatment centre, I found it lying on the ground. It had used its last strength to bite me. How horrid, to be in pain and to have a giant numbskull manhandle you in your last moments of consciousness! Since it was dead, I put it in a box and took it with me because I had some vague idea that they would have to test for rabies.

It was actually rather laughable. I go in and they stick my finger in hydrogen peroxide for 20 minutes, and then fuss because they can't figure out what they can use on me since I'm latex allergic. I finally suggested gauze and paper tape, like when I give blood. Nice to know I can give the medical folks directions.

Actually, I found that rabies in squirrels is actually rather rare, and in most cases you won't be given the shots at all. Not a good thing to tell someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Since I did have the squirrel, however, the Nice Man from the Health Department did offer to come get the squirrel and have it tested, and it eventually came back negative. Thankfully.

Since it was about this time that I was starting counselling and trying to deal with some major depression/anxiety issues, I became the Rabid Librarian. See? :)

I rather like 'Dances With Chipmunks'. For a good while I rather twitched when I saw a squirrel, but the chipmunks have never bothered me. I'm finally to the point where I can enjoy squirrel company. I suppose I can't really help it...my dad had a pet squirrel named 'Herman' who used to ride about on his shoulders in college; it made it into the paper.

But there's still that little bit of numbness to keep me from (hopefully) being stupid enough to touch a wild wounded animal for awhile.

Eilir raved on 00:46

Post plague

I have:

1. Had breakfast and lunch with friends
   
2. typed for hours on 'The Project'
   
3. had a hormonal-like emotional spike even though I'm at the opposite end of the cycle
   
4. watched Piper and Leo be torn apart but Chris' fate resolved (that's 'Charmed', for the uninitiated--hey, you try to get your parents to have sex so that you'll be born whilst daemons attack)
   
5. cried through most of it and pined for true love
   
6. watched Starfire tranform into a chrysalis and back
   
7. discovered that my aquarium pump has died
   
8. readjusted the aquarium so that the fish are at least getting bubbles until I can get a new filter/pump. Fortunately they're mollies and a pleco, so they're hardy.
   
9. taken a 'gift' as it was meant and cleaned the catbox
   
10. typed my last couple of entries in this blog as my doggie snores from the recliner :)
    
11. decided that laundry and bathroom cleaning can wait till tomorrow
    
12. watched my dog wake up and ask to go on to bed, and she's quite irresistable :)
    

Good night. :)

Eilir raved on 00:13

Mutter, mutter

1. Angel:: Wings
   
2. Birth:: Day
   
3. Logic:: Problems
   
4. Stars:: are right! (ah, those Cthulhoid alignments...)
   
5. Nursery:: Plants
   
6. View:: Window
   
7. Hart:: White (Book by Nancy Springer)
   
8. Creation:: Universe as Art
   
9. End:: Times
   
10. Fortune:: Teller
    

Eilir raved on 23:59

Oh, come on...

Nader Seeks Presidency

1. Isn't it bad enough that he was partially responsible for the fact we have Bush in the White House in the first place? (Mind you, not totally, but as a voter who really had to decide between Nader and Gore, yes, I believe things would not have been as close. And yes, I still think the Supreme Court and the Electoral College system are the main reasons Bush won.)
   
2. Doesn't his entry (after the exit of initially strong Howard Dean and any other viable Democrat sans Kerry) as an independent detract from any sense that he's pushing for the good of all Americans?
   
3. Is this the beginning of some sort of sick feeding frenzy?
   
4. Dare we expect Hillary Clinton next?
   

[Mind you, I support Kucinich, at least through the primary or until he drops out. I also consistently score higher in terms of the Green Party platform than any other party, but I refused to vote for Nader last time precisely because I didn't want to 'throw away' my vote and aid George Bush. I have it on fairly reliable prognostication that Bush will, indeed, win 'four more years'. But that doesn't mean we can't give him a run for his money as a united front, as opposed to wussy fragmenting bits of fluff. Personally I'd like to see Nader get a cold shoulder from the voters.]

Eilir raved on 23:45

Ah, clean

I think one of the worst things about being sick is that you spend so much time in bed, and if you're feverish you get...well, not quite as fresh as you'd like, and you don't really feel like bathing, either, so you just feel worse.

I'm at least to the point where I just had a nice long shower, and so I feel better.

I was watching a little TV before the shower (I must say, there really isn't much on Saturday nights, is there?) and found one show where an expert said that in 85% of the cases, depression can be treated within six weeks. I don't know if that's the case or not. It hasn't been my experience, or that of anyone I know. Once I was put on medication, it did help my mood immediately (although some of that may have been a placebo effect), but I'd it took about six months to get past the suicidal, severe aspects of the depression and about a year where I found I no longer felt depressed. It was very gradual. Part of that, I guess, is that they have to find the right medication and dosage. I was fortunate to respond to the first thing I was put on (Paxil). We decided to try that because of the social anxiety and OCD issues along with my depression, and it was useful in those cases. But even then, it takes awhile to work up dosage, and even when I was generally okay, around my menstruation I was still having severe depressive episodes brought on by hormones, so we tried Serzone (which left me zombified) and eventually just upped the Paxil a little. I've known other people who have had to go through several medicines to find the right one, or who responded to one, only to have it lose efficacy over time and had to start the process over. Some can't take Paxil, for example, if they have seizure activity or because it makes them severely nauseous. Every person I know who's dealt with anxiety or depression is on a different medication that works for them, or even a delicate mix. If it's the right prescription, then it seems the person feels completely normal, as opposed to drugged or emotionally flat.

Still, given that the expert was talking about preventing workplace violence/mass murders, and the trouble with identifying potential culprits so that the idea is to use employee assistance and other programmes to identify depression and treat it to prevent such tragedies, 6 weeks is probably reasonable for that. In that case, you don't so much want to get the person back to full potential but at least to a point where they're not going to storm the place with guns, right?

Eilir raved on 23:46

Saturday Slant: You. Fame. Live television. Uncensored.

Britney’s 55-hour marriage. The Britney-Christina-Madonna kiss. Justin’s exposition of Janet’s breast. Today’s celebrities are turning noteriety into notoriousness, celebrity into shock value. Imagine yourself a celebrity. You are known by all and the frequent target of papparazzi cameras. You are about to appear on live television on an undelayed broadcast. You have the opportunity and means to distinguish yourself from the flock of Glamoratti parading across the television in a never-ending blur of one pretty face and perfect body after another. Here is your opportunity. What do you do with it?

When I was little, like most kids, I dreamt of fame. As a grew older, those dreams persisted, although I wanted to be a famous writer as opposed to, say, a performer. I'm very uncomfortable with the spotlight, and I'd rather be able to fade back into anonymity on demand. When everyone knows your name--but not necessarily your face--at least you can go to the local grocery without being mobbed.

As the years have gone on and the price of celebrity has paraded itself in front of us so clearly--suicide, drugs, papparazzi, the death of Princess Diana, things like that--you start to ask why anyone would want fame, whether it's due to talent, money, or power (i.e., the president).

But...if I had it...if I had just a moment, say at an awards ceremony, I think I would walk up to the podium, say thank you to the presenter, take the award, look straight at the camera, and say the following:

Never be afraid to dream, or to make those dreams reality. Believe in yourself, no matter what others think. Work hard. Love freely. Be yourself. Help others whenever you can. Anything less in a crime against the world, and a crime against yourself.

I'm not sure it would be as eye-catching as baring a breast or pulling a stunt...but it would be real, it would certainly be different, I wouldn't lose the respect of others who might see me as a rolemodel, and somewhere out there, maybe someone would listen.

Eilir raved on 14:04

Blegh

: 'Calling You' by Blue October
: Better, but tired

I woke up with Blue October's 'Calling You' in my head this morning; it's just so damn catchy, and I can't resist the vocal style or the fact they have a violinist in the band. I love strings of any kind, but I find that using anything other than a piano or set of guitars adds more texture/dimension to the music. The funny thing is that I've checked out their other songs, and they're not really what I would call perky, but rather dark, and I like music that tends to explore that side, too.

I'm still tired and coughy and I think I'm running a low-grade fever, but I feel better than I did yesterday. My plan today is to just sleep when I feel like it, eat and drink occasionally, and just take it easy. If I feel better later I might do a little cleaning, but right now I just don't feel up to it. I got up about an hour and a half ago, watched some cartoons, and I'm ready to go back to bed.

Maybe I could at least read a little later. My dog and cats have been great to cuddle with, at least. Yesterday I couldn't seem to stay warm, despite the temperature outside being in the 60s and inside about 75. Today, at least, that seems better.

Eilir raved on 13:44

Sad; fortunately many were saved

Several Dogs Killed In Kennel Blaze

Eilir raved on 22:46

Quizzes make me feel better :)

What do you truly desire?

Peace. You Truly Desire Peace. Just relaxing
somewhere calm with a light breeze against your
cheecks is our ideal of pefect. You don't like
to start fights, but instead, end them without
using violence.

PLEASE RATE


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla

Eilir raved on 17:47

Sick

I woke up today feeling awful; I had an asthma attack, a head full of snot, I'm having IBS issues, I'm feverish, the weather's going to change soon so I'm achy and I just feel crappy. So, I stayed home from work, took some meds, and feel slightly better after some sleep. When I woke up, I was feeling depressed and overwhelmed and emotionally kind of panicky, but D&D called and we talked awhile and I feel better. Still achy and feverish, with a dash of yucky, but at least better. I think I'm up for a little food and maybe will try to stay up for awhile. At least it's the weekend now, so I can get some rest and hopefully be raring to go Monday.

Eilir raved on 17:38

For Dwana

This was a comment I left on another blog, but I thought I'd post it here, too. It was in response to a suggestion that infertility was God's way of telling someone that perhaps biological children are not meant to be, and had she perhaps considered adoption? I know that it wasn't necessarily meant to be offensive, but the fact of the matter is that no one who has just lost a pregnancy really wants to deal with that sort of 'helpful' advice. The irony is that Dwana has always talked about adopting, regardless of whether she has biological children or not. Since her miscarriage she's been up to her ears in platitudes that I think she'd rather not be dealing with, but she's too polite to say anything negative in response. So I volunteered. :) Today was her first day back to work after a very emotional and physically draining week. She's been in a lot of pain and has become anaemic, and I think it was taking all her fortitude to deal with people who were getting on her last nerve these past few days. As much as she wanted to come back, I think she's still overwhelmed by it all. So this is for Dwana.

I've come across the idea that people who try for in vitro rather than adopting as somehow selfish a lot lately. A whole bunch of people on a list I was on recently said as much. I noticed none of them had actually dealt with infertility. We take a lot of things for granted about our fertility choices until we come against a wall, whether it's someone given the hope for the first time in years to have a biological child or someone dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and considering abortion. In each case, adoption is thrown out as if it's something as easy as picking out a puppy at the pound. I'm all for adoption, but it's incredibly difficult and expensive to adopt a child; I've known one woman who had a child for four days before it was whisked back because the mother changed her mind. It was heartbreaking. She had spent thousands of dollars to aid the mother's living and medical expenses. She now has two beautiful daughters, adopted through another state. Kentucky's adoption process, from what I can tell, just sucks. Most successful adoptions I've known of have been international, and yet a lot of countries are re-examining or limiting these. The demand has been so strong that some children in other countries have literally been stolen off the street to be 'sold' to a couple in the United States.

My feeling is that 1) All children should be wanted children. 2) God has worked miracles through modern science's leaps in fertility. 3) People have many ways to approach creating families. Some never want to have children. Others do want their own biological legacy...that's okay. 4) Adoption can be a wonderful thing, but there are barriers in the system that are very real and very heartbreaking, and the truth of the matter is no matter whether you raise a biological or adoptive child, there's a great leap of faith involved. The loss of a child--or even a potential child--is palpable no matter how it happens. My thoughts are with you, D.

They say there's a card for everything these days. I think they're right. I found one that I think did a good job of showing support without condenscension. It read something like this: 'I can't understand fully what you're going through. I understand a little. But I care a lot.' Why can't people just admit that they don't know how a person really feels, but they love them anyway? Instead they try to fill up uncomfortable silences, come out with totally off the wall stuff, or even try to compete. Sigh.

Eilir raved on 01:11

Happy Friday:

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor? October, for my annual. It's nice to have insurance.

2. ...went to the dentist? January 2003. For a root canal. Okay, okay, I know...time to go back.

3. ...filled your gas tank?Last night. Right before the price jumped by about 14 cents. :)

4. ...got enough sleep? I'd say last night, since I woke up before my alarm this morning. Thank goodness for CPAPs.

5. ...backed up your computer? This afternoon at work. It automatically does so when I log out.

At home I back up any important documents as I create them, since I'm usually shuttling them about. System-wide I haven't since I upgraded my operating system about a year ago. I do backup my blog template whenever I add anything and about two months ago backed up the whole site's content. You can find out how to do that by going to Blogger's support area for directions. :)

Eilir raved on 00:45

Like anime?

Witch Hunter Robin is really quite excellent--beautiful, sometimes hyper-realistic art, complex themes and characters, and just overall a good show. They've just started showing them on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim at midnight Eastern Time. I'm still a little unsure of what makes a difference between a witch (defined as bad in the show) and a craft user (a hunter with powers), other than whose side they're on. Nor do I trust the organisation that supposedly is protecting humanity from loose cannons with powers...but then, I'm just naturally suspicious. Must be from too many years of playing Call of Cthulhu. :)

Eilir raved on 00:33

I'm having an up and down day (but mostly up)

Good Things:

• Dwana is back at work, tired, but here. Yay!
  
• I found my badge for work that also has the library keys and my KET card key on it. It was in a supposedly 'safe' place (a compartment in my car's cupholder!) that I totally forgot about. But, at least now I don't have to get replacements.
  
• We're getting a small but welcome cash bonus at work. We couldn't really get raises this year, so instead they're taking an amount and splitting it up equally, so I'll have an extra $225 at the beginning of next month.
  

Bad Thing:

• There's been a small crisis at work born from miscommunication between people hundreds of miles from one another, finger pointing, and getting fired up and frankly, where I'm catching some of the fallout even though I don't have final control over the outcome, I've done what I can with what I have and frankly, with my hours cut, I'm not feeling the love and am just sitting here wishing I could find a nice full-time job somewhere else.
  
• I'm stressing over the lack of money and lack of full-time job.
  

Good Things:

• Someone else is going to take on the job of smoothing feathers and work things out so I can just focus on my part of things.
  
• It's almost lunch, and it's a good selection, and I suspect I'll feel better after I eat.
  
• I'm free today after work, and it's beautiful outside.
  
• I'm pretty good at handling stress these days.
  
• I know this is small change and eventually I'll be in a better position.
  

Eilir raved on 11:53

How beautiful...

I somehow miss great movies when they come out in the theatre, and often for years afterward. Tonight I saw What Dreams May Come for the first time. I'd always known it was a modern-day take on the Orpheus myth with beautiful scenery, but that didn't prepare me for breathtaking imagery and a story that had me crying throughout the whole thing. A friend had invited me over for movie night after learning I hadn't seen it and knowing that it was coming on. I brought pizza and soft drinks, and we settled down to a comfortable night of TV viewing and spending time together.

I love this movie. It deals with themes like death and suicide in a sensitive way, but more than anything else it's about true love and facing all fears and barriers in order to save it. What can I say, I'm a truly hopeless romantic. It's the type of love I long for and fear at the same time. I'd like to have the movie on DVD, and see how they did some of the effects. I've always thought Robin Williams had a rare gift for both comedy and drama. Whoever was in charge of the set designs and effects was a genius.

If someone put me on the spot and asked me to list my five favourite films, I'd say: The Wizard of Oz, To Kill a Mockingbird, Auntie Mame, Pleasantville, and now, What Dreams May Come [please don't make me put them in order of preference, though, that would be so difficult!]. There are other films that I watch over and over for fun, some I find disturbing, some innovative or inspiring. But those five touch something much deeper and really reflect what I value most in life. Oddly enough, at least four of the five are based on books yet happen to be excellent adaptations that stand on their own. Several are also visual masterpieces, using the medium of film to its best effect. But most importantly, they're all about living life fully, never taking what you have for granted, and fighting injustice. It's how I try to live my life. Maybe I don't always succeed, but I'm on a path that's a lot closer than I was years ago.

Eilir raved on 01:25

N has fallen in love with this darling

and is considering a road trip to have her Devon Rex meet Minnie Mee. I say go for it.

Eilir raved on 10:24

Note to self:

The Commonwealth of Kentucky has many official state holidays.

Presidents' Day isn't one of them.

I goofed. Sometimes it's not good to just work a few hours a week--I'm on the e-mail lists but I sometimes still fall out of the loop. I talked to the office manager today; she'd put my cheque in the mail and turned in my timesheet, which was up to date, yay, but I missed out on helping with a project that had a deadline the next day. Unfortunately the e-mail telling me that hit right after I left my other job (I usually get the e-mails at home and work) and headed to the gym, and I didn't get the e-mail until the next day. I hope my boss will understand. I now have the official list for future reference.

Eilir raved on 09:14

Things you shouldn't tell a woman who's just had a miscarriage...

(and for the record I didn't; these gems were all from the same clueless person who as near as I can see has his head stuck somewhere far from reality)

1. I know just how you feel. (Especially if you are male.)
   
2. I broke up with someone/lost a girlfriend (who's still alive), so I understand.
   
3. I had a bad feeling because I had the flu and then this haemorrhoid. I understand the pain you're going through.
   
4. (When informed by his own mother that no, she didn't have a miscarriage) Thanks for being a good mom and not having a miscarriage with me (the implication being that somehow the person wasn't good enough, when in fact, she's been through hell to have a child).
   
5. At least you're married and might have a kid (nevermind she's been fighting infertility, and this pregnancy happened after a potentially fatal complication and in vitro). I don't even have a girlfriend.
   
6. I blame your dead ex-boyfriend who also happened to be my best friend (even though that has nothing to do with situation whatsoever).
   

I would like to give the person the benefit of the doubt...I don't think he was trying to malicious, just self-centred and clueless. And the person he said those things to tends not to tell people what a jerk they're being; even though she was hurt, she just said she was going to end the conversation because he was starting to piss her off (I think she was afraid to say something she might regret later. Pity he didn't feel the same). I doubt he even realised how hurtful those things were or how disappointing. I mean, it's one thing if a casual acquaintance said it. It's another when it's someone who's been there for you over the years and then suddenly it's like they're a pod person. And I won't name names, but it's entirely possible he'll read this, and I hope he thinks about it and realises just how...well...I can't describe it without swearing...it was.

Eilir raved on 02:42

Dang, I wish she'd put permalinks in...

but if you want an excellent summary on Paganism and the terms surrounding it, check out the 2.13.2004 post for What was it I was doing again? Nice to know she paid attention to all those discussions. :)

Eilir raved on 02:30

Mourning a loss